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Married with no excuse 

by Admin

It was such a long time ago but hearing about Roe vs. Wade possibly being overturned has brought back a wave of grief and sorrow.
I was married, realized I was pregnant, and never expected the reaction I got from my husband. He wasn’t happy, said we couldn’t afford a baby and that I would have to get rid of it. I was heartbroken but I remember feeling I didn’t want the baby if he didn’t want it.
I was only 22 years old, what should have been an exciting joyous occasion turned into a nightmare.
I scheduled the appointment at 9 weeks pregnancy, my husband came with me.
I was numb, very quiet. Abortion was only legal for a couple years but I remember feeling that I was in an assembly line, they had a system, take your pain pill and we will bring you back in 15 minutes or so.
The experience was horrific as they used suction attached to a tube to drag everything out of my uterus and into the utility sink,. All I saw was blood everywhere. Was it painful? Hell yes
Afterwards in recovery, I was told I would continue bleeding for weeks. I was cramping up in recovery. When I got home, the pain and cramping was so bad, my husband called for pain meds.
I don’t remember crying, it was more like being stoic. I quickly drowned myself into drugs for years afterwards. It was like I lost my soul. I got pregnant again but this time, I was cramping alot and convinced myself there was something wrong after I lost alot of blood in the toilet. I went to the Dr. Thinking I had a miscarriage but he said I was still pregnant. He could tell I wasn’t happy about that and I think he thought I might have done this to myself. I went and convinced myself that there would be something wrong with the baby so the second abortion was much easier because I lost my conscious. Later,
I helped my sister get an abortion.
Drug addict and another pregnancy, this time I finally stood up for myself and said, no more. I’m having this baby like it or not. I quit the drugs. Ended up with 2 children from my then husband and we separated and eventually divorced when I tried to get myself clean. Those 2 girls now are fighting for abortion rights. If they only knew I had to fight for their lives.

It was only after I got off the drugs, took my children and moved into my Mom’s house that recovery began. I went to confession and unloaded my sins to a priest. I believe Jesus forgave me that day but I still feel sorrow. 

I got an annulment and remarried and had three more children, all when I was over 35 years. I was fortunate but that guilt/sorrow never leaves you completely.

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