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I found my peace 

by Admin

I am 63 yrs of age. I have had several abortions. My thought is they all stem from the same issues.
I grew up in a large family, 8 kids, single parent. My parents were married, but my dad was never there. We watched my mom physically fight with her boyfriend, and being her kids you try and help her. Though we didn’t understand what he had done, she was the physical aggressor. I guess we just waited for our que to help her. I don’t know. Even texting this brings tears to my eyes.
Without understanding how this was shaping my life, and molding me, I began my own journey of life and love. We weren’t exactly sat down and taught how to find love, or healthy relationships. My dad was never there, and my mom had her own struggles. We had to wing it. I was extremely naive, shy, and just wanted to be loved. I believed in fairytales, and Prince Charming. I was not taught about sex, or held, hugged or touched, by my dad. I just knew who he was. So, I grew, and longed for that sort of relationship.
I found myself pregnant, and scared. I was alone, and ashamed. I couldn’t tell my mom because I had been groomed to be perfect, and make her proud. I had to live up to that. Abortion was everywhere at that time. That was my choice both times. I can’t even remember if costs, as I didn’t tell the fathers. I didn’t know them well enough to feel they would support me. 

I found myself pregnant again my last year of high school. This time my mom found out and made me give it up for adoption. She didn’t ask me what I wanted to do. She made plans, sent me away for the remainder of the pregnancy, and they kept my baby. Still today , I have no idea who, or where, just that I would like to know. She has dementia now and just says she was pressured to make the choice, and she doesn’t know where I was sent.
All I ever thought of her was, she was always a good mom.
Now, that I have become her full-time caretaker, I see things a lot, differently. She obviously had her own issues growing up.
Funny, I didn’t feel unloved as a child, at home.
Maybe I just wanted a better relationship with men than my mom had, or just needed my dad to teach me my value.

All this to say no one is alone. This has been my secret for years and years. You all have helped me to share and not feel judged.
Though, this is not my first time sharing lately, this is my first time sharing with you.

This Easter, I heard a beautiful sermon about Jesus, that helped me get stronger in a lot of areas. What we go though, and have gone through, is no surprise to God. He knew before hand that we would make sinful choices; that these choices would damage us, and hurt us.
That’s why he made the sacrifice of giving his son, to DIE on the cross for us, and our sins. We have to learn to LET GOD, and LET GOD! He is so smart, so brilliant, and so knowing.
Relish in the fact that you have been forgiven already, and we struggle only with ourselves!
GOD, our Heavenly Father loves us and always will. We just should not become repeat offenders, and he is always loving and forgiving!
Hope this helps! ❤️🙏

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