If I knew what I know now 

I was 20 years. I already had 1 child and she was about 2. Her father was in jail for life. My family was helping me raise her. My boyfriend and I had only been together for a few months when I found out I was pregnant. I was in major denial. At first he seemed happy but as time went out. I found out that he was cheating. He was lying. Not only that I remember telling him I wanted a salad like a home made salad. He went to the store to attempt to buy the stuff to make a salad and realize he didn’t have enough money. I had to ask my dad to let me borrow money. After experiencing that and seeing our relationship fall apart. I considered having an abortion and told him about. One day he didn’t want me to do it and the next day he did. Then his mom started with drama as well. Because she didn’t know of me and when she did she found out I was pregnant. She was not happy. Once my family found out. They threatened to cut me off and kick me out. Once they kicked me out then they said they were going to fight for all legal rights over my current baby. I was completely devastated and so unsure what to do. After being pressured literally every day. I made an appointment with the abortion clinic. I will never ever forget. I went in and I barley had enough money to pay for the first visit. Because my family also refused to help at all with the situation. I laid down for the ultrasound. The lady did the ultrasound and I remember asking her if I could please see it. I knew if I was able baby to see my baby then I would walk out of there. She told me they were not allowed to show me and that it was better for me to not see it. I told her please. She said I will let you speak with a counselor. The counselor told me to not go through with it because it’s not what I wanted. She said let her finish up the ultrasound and we will talk again. The lady did a vaginal ultrasound this time. I asked why. She said because they needed to confirm how far along I was. When she was done I asked to speak with the counselor like she asked. They said she was gone which I didn’t think it was true. I asked again for my ultrasound pictures and the lady said she couldn’t let me have any. They said I have to return tomorrow for the next part. I said why tomorrow? The person said because you are very far along like 18 weeks and we will discuss everything in detail tomorrow. I was extremely confused why nothing was being told to me right then and there in full detail. But being young, I just left without really questioning. After the visit, I went to go stop by my ex boyfriend apartment. When I pulled up he was moving out. He told me since I wasn’t going to have a baby then there was no reason to stay living in the city. I sat down on the sofa and his cousin asked me so did you have the abortion yet? I said no I’m still pregnant and the cousin just stayed quiet. So I left without saying a word. I went home and all I could think about is how does my baby look. Is it a boy or a girl. Does it look like me. At that moment I decide with it without help I was going to keep the baby. The next morning the abortion clinic called me because I didn’t go to the appointment. They called me three times so on the third time I answered the phone. The lady told me that I had to return to the clinic and I informed her that I decided to keep the baby. She told me it was too late for that. I told her but I haven’t done anything but an ultrasound. The lady said when they did the other ultrasound they place some type of Ointment inside of me. That ointment is to soften my cervix and it is extremely dangerous for me to walk around with it. So not knowing any better i showed up to the clinic literally 4 hours after my scheduled appointment. They ended up performing the abortion. If I knew what I know now, I could have went to the ER and gotten medicine to stop whatever they did. Or to possibly have them check to see whatever they told me was true. I drank my life away right after. There were times I just didn’t want to live. I would hug my living daughter and constantly tell her sorry because I live with the guilt. 2 years later I jumped into a relationship and the first thing I wanted was a baby to try to fill in the void I was missing. I had a healthy baby. Then few years went by and I got pregnant again but this pregnancy was a molar pregnancy which I felt like I was being punished for not doing more. After these two losses, my body has never been the same. Doctors say I have a very sort cervix. I can’t help but think they damaged me and stole my baby from me. I speak to god every night and asked forgiveness in anything I could have done. My ex forever hates me because in his mind he believes I went straight to the clinic with out any remorse at all. My husband now has given me a total of 4 wonderful children which makes a total 5. So I constantly ask myself if I never lost/aborted my baby would I still have the children I have today. I probably would never have met my husband. I can only help but think positive and say it was suppose to happen that way for these can be here. I think about him all the time. I say him because i could never have a son until I was able to some what forgive myself. When I did I was blessed with a son. That son would be 15 this year. He was suppose to be born on my ex boyfriend birthday as well. I remember all the dates of when I took the home test. The dates of ultrasound. The day him moving out. The day I had to return to the clinic. The due date. I just could never forget it and nor do I speak on it either. I hope my story can help someone. After my experience a few years later I read that by law they give you an ultrasound and let you listen to the heart beat which really hurt me because I had begged for the ultrasound. I have tried to obtain a copy of my records and been told they don’t have any records. I feel like they are lying so I never got what I wished for.