I’ll share my story now and hope I can help anyone 

When I was 20 years old , I got pregnant . The father of the baby was married. I was in a place and I didn’t belong , and I was terrified.
I knew my Mom wold be upset but used support me , as well as my sisters and other family. But the shame I felt , and the paralyzing fear for what would happen to the innocent people who would be hurt by this. ( his wife and kids) led me , after a while , to an abortion. I have always hated abortion but being in that situation , I felt I didn’t have a choice and went ahead with it , knowing in my heart that i would regret it and forever miss my child.
I never even told anyone I was pregnant besides the father of the baby. I went to a Dr , with all the money for the whole pregnancy , and she refused to even examine me after I told her I’d been spotting. She said I was having complications and made me leave. I was so upset and humiliated. If she’d have helped me , I wouldn’t have had an abortion. I’ll never forget that.
It was then that I looked into abortion. Of course , my “ boyfriend “ was supportive and said “ too many people would get hurt “ , which ws true. But the most innocent of all of us bore the burden of our shame and died because of it.
I’ll never forget being at the clinic , so scared I asked for something to calm me down. They gave me a Valium. I was waiting with two girls who came together. One of them told me “ It’s nothing “ when she came back form her procedure. I stood there with the other girl , I still see her face , and she said , “ Do you think you’ll be sad later ?” And i knew I would be. But I said I just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to get it done , then fall apart.
I don’t know why , but , one of the staff women stayed next to me and to me I could hold her hands as tight as I wanted. My boyfriend was also there , plus another staff was observing. I told my boyfriend I was so scared and he commented how my eyeliner matched my socks. I’ll never forget how odd that was.
The Dr was dark and handsome and only asked when my last period before beginning. It was so traumatic and painful , and I cried out in pain that I wanted to go home. Finally it stopped and the Dr and nurse went behind a divider for a few minutes. They returned and the Dr said they had to go back in again. I was so upset …. several minutes later he said it was “ done” and I was guided to a seated position .. I noticed a big blood spot on my gown and got upset. The nite said “ it’s just you “. She helped me change my gown and I went to recovery , where I had hot chocolate and crackers. A short while later the girl fro the waiting room joined me in recovery. The Dr sat nearby , smiling at us.
We drove home in the snow and stopped at McDonalds. I felt relief at the time , and was tired. The next day we went out and looked at cars , and had lunch out. Christmas Season was coming soon.. We stopped at Dunkin’s and the girl at the drive through was pregnant, and I felt a gnawing in my heart .. because I no longer was. Suddenly I felt intense sadness and started crying and crying. I was heartbroken and longing for my baby who was gone
I went into a deep depression and felt suicidal. I wanted to die and be with my baby. After a long while I shared with my older sister and while she was heartbroken , she was there for
me in my agonizing pain.
I worked in a busy preschool and one day I wnet or the bathroom and noticed is passed what looked like a tiny cord. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The next day I passed what looked like a flap of skin , the finally a bigger clump. I was very upset snd called the clinic and they had me go in. I thought I’d have an exam maybe , but the Dr , a different one , repeated the procedure. I asked about what I’d passed oen of which I’d brought in and he said it was “ nothing “. I was even more traumatized now and vowed I’d never ever meet foot in that clinic again.
Now it’s 34 years later. I’ve had two children , and married. My son was born two years later and to comfort myself I’d often think I’d had my first child my son wouldn’t be here . They would’ve been 19 months apart. I cried with joy and pain when I found out I wax pregnant again , And all I could focus on was protecting and loving this new life and giving him all I hadn’t given my first. And he filled my heart with so much joy but also sadness as I was daily reminded what I’d gotten rid of before. I thought loving him would in some small way make up for the “ other “ one .. I put my whole heart and soul into being a mommy. I had my daughter three years later , another source of pure joy. But the sadness of wondering if my first had been a girl also , as I’d felt. But I’ll ever know.
I have never stopped missing and aching for the child I destroyed .. never. Pregnant women were a source of deep pain , as I so deeply regretted my choice. The so called relief wasn’t even a day. Then the soul crushing grief sets in , but there is also the horrible realization that my choice made this happen. I allowed someone to kill my innocent unborn child when they should have been safe to grow and be born and have a life. I can never fix it .. I often thought of helping women facing unplanned pregnancies to know from me the absolute horror that abortion is and how it destroys life. And you’ll never be the same again. You are forever going to wonder about your baby and miss all the life stages. My “ child “ would no longer be a chd , but a 34 year old I wonder what they’d be doing with their life now.
I’ll share my story now and hope I can help anyone to make a different. Choice. Anything is better. When there is life , not death.