Sad

Hi. I am now 69 years old. When I was 16 I became pregnant and was afraid to tell my parents. My father was in Thailand during the Vietnam war at the time. So it was hard for me to disappoint my mother as she was alone raising us. I was 5 months along when I finally told her and she was devastated. She was alone to deal with my mistake. I was scared and completely uneducated on what was to come next. My father was notified by the military and came home to deal with what I had done. I had no idea about birth control. Or ways to prevent pregnancy as no one talked about such things when I was young. We were all supposed to be virgins when we got married.
My mother was so sad and conflicted but felt I should go to an OBGYN to find out how far among I was. I was 5 months. The doctor said I had a small window to abort. I didn’t really understand the concept. But I did know it would end my pregnancy. I thought I had to do this because I hurt my family so much.
My Father had to fly Airforce medivac with me to A Colorado military hospital. He was kind and gentle with me as he knew more than me what would happen. When we arrived the doctors put saline into my uterus and I felt my baby move violently. Then it stopped. I didn’t know how to feel I was emotionally numb.
Then the reality set in. I was in labor for 24 hours. The pain was intense and I thought I was in a nightmare. My father sat by me as long as he could crying. Then he left as he couldn’t watch me in pain anymore.
I then felt the urge to push and the nurses all came in to help. I gave birth to a fully formed baby who was dead. It was so shocking!!! I asked the nurses if it was a boy or girl. How strange to act like I just had a live baby. They didn’t tell me. They just took this precious little one away as fast as possible. This child was part of me and I killed it because it wasn’t the right time in my life to have a child. Ugh.
Today I have 4 wonderful children and 8 grand Children. I love them with all I am.
But for me there is a child missing. A precious life that I can’t get back. I hurt everyday. I mean every day. I cry still. I ask forgiveness but I can’t find it in me to forgive myself. It is truly life changing. And will not go away. To try to justify what I did is impossible.
I can’t go back in time but I hope through my story I can save a life. It may not haunt you at the time but as you grow older it will hit you like a truck. And your peace will never be the same
Please educate yourself before you destroy your heart.
Mine is broken and will never be whole again.