I’m drowning

I got pregnant in 2010. I was 22 years old. I didn’t know what to do, I was confused. The only option screaming at me was getting an abortion. Its illegal in my country, so there are very little qualified doctors available to do it. I had a quack do for me and I ended up with complications. Took over a year with lots of hospital visits and medications to feel normal again. It took some time to decide if I wanted an abortion or not, so within that period I started bonding with the baby. Every year I imagine what that baby would have looked like after every year. 11 years down the line, I find myself in the same situation, still feeling lonely, lost and unsure of what to do. 33 years old, 8 weeks gone and still feel like I can’t handle having a child on my own, though every part of me wants the baby. I’m drowning