Life After Regret “I cry all the time,I find myself depressed…”

November 7, 2012 No Comments »

Hey there,I will remain anonymous,well I’m a 20 year young woman and financially secured,supported by my parents and just a happy go lucky lady.In the early days of april I had sex with a guy I hardly knew but temptation got ahold of me,I was on the morning after pill/contraceptive since I don’t have sex often or randomly,the pill was subscibed to me by professional physicians as such so I knew nothing would happen,uhhm toward end of may,early june,I started to feel nauseas,lethagic,really fatigue,un usual cravings,kinda a glow,I was so busy with my life I didn’t even keep tracts of my periods,I soon realize I developed a small rounded belly,and started to think deeply,I had a friend who I confided in since I was now getting worried,after 2 weeks or so after prolonging I found out I was pregnant,I was already 13 and half weeks(3 and a half months),and when the gynae told me this I dropped,I emotionally losed it,so many things ran thru my mind,how stupid could I be,how could I do this,he then did an ultra sound and there he was,my baby boy,I could see his little fingers and toes and the small details,it was a baby!,I couldn’t think straight at that tym, so I went home and keep on contemplating my thoughts and feelings,I wasn’t show whether to tell my baby’s father about this but after 6 weeks,I told him,and I remember clearly he told what are we gona do,and in my head,I knew that he wouldn’t want this and as for me,I didn’t have a choice,I wanted to this on my own,I would have gave him the world,having a son,wow,it would have been beautiful,but I realised that is complicated,and how would my family feel,a 20 year old mother,I started to feel that motherly syptoms,I would find myself taking to my baby boy before I sleep,I grew a bond,and I realised that this is reality,what am I doing,I then went ahead and booked an abortion,I did it alone that day,I had an emotionally breakdown,at that moment seeing my baby on the sonagram,looking at him kicking his legs,I felt devestated but I went thru with!
it,I was numb up from bottom below thru out the procedure,but after that,I was empty,I came home like ntn happened and I drop to my knees and I cried out,I cried so hard I was panting for my breath,I was in pain,I bleed,I cramped,I couldn’t eat correctly,I screwed up,I would tell my baby’s daddy how I felt and he would encourage me and he would see me too but only a mother would understand that loss,pain,its been 7 months later and there’s not a day that goes by without me thinking about my baby boy,I cry all the time,I find myself depressed quiet often,I dnt interact with peaople as I could,I still picture him kicking and I still remember the entire procedure,I hate myself,I committed murder,I dnt deserve to be happy,I regret this everyday of my life,I can’t sleep, I can’t be myself,I’ve lossed myself,but mainly I’ve lossed my baby boy,in my silence I always want my baby to know that mummy is soo sorry and she loves you soo much,I don’t know if I ever will heal,my heart aches and I feel hopeless,after my experience I probably should have trusted mt heart and not sub conscience,today is the 7 November,I still sit here crying with tears pouring down my cheeks trying to control myself but I guess this is what I deserve,I can not go back but take each day as it comes,this painful experience has made me realise that bacause I killed a human being,my baby,I lossed my humanity,I no longer want to have kids or have a family,I hate life itself

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