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What if …

by Admin

I got pregnant when I was 18 years old with my first son I had him when I turned 19. He was happy and healthy everything I always wanted. Then four months later I became pregnant and was in such a hard position at 19. I was in debt I was struggling I was depressed I had the worst postpartum I couldn’t even take care of myself or my child. so I was stuck with a decision on what I had to do. I got pregnant by my boyfriend who is the father of our firstborn. we were both so confused and decided an abortion would be the right choice. I got an abortion when I was 16 weeks December 18, 2018 . I remember walking in that chilling cold room laying down on the hard table. I remember the doctors watching me while I was crying as he was putting the needle in my arm (to be sedated) Today Thursday, October 22 2020 I can say I hundred percent regret my decision. Every time I look at my son I wonder the relationship he would’ve had with his sibling. sometimes I think why the doctors didn’t stop when I started freaking out crying sometimes I think they could’ve talked me out of it. I regret my decision but there’s nothing I can do about it other than move on. I feel such guilt it’s disgusting. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even feel guilty because I made the decision. I am all for your body your choice, I believe women have the right to have abortions. but don’t just jump into it thinking that it’s the right choice because sometimes speaking to other people about it could give you other ideas than abortion. Today after 1&1/2 years I told my mother-in-law that her son and I decided to get an abortion. it was one of the hardest things I had to do because I regret it every time I think about it I just feel disgusting. She reassured me that if I talked to her she wouldn’t have been disappointed she would’ve helped us out. I was just so scared and worried in 2018 I had no idea I would be so far as I am today in 2020. What I did was a selfish careless thing I honestly didnt just think about it i just went & got one. Hopefully within time I can accept what I did. I won’t feel disgusting every time I talk about getting pregnant again. I feel like me getting pregnant again would be such a selfish thing why can I have my first born baby but not my second and then try again years later?.. hopefully within time ill heal. thank you for listening

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