July 4th 2019 would have been her birthday. I think of her every day, I can still remember the day I walked into that abortion clinic and made a choice that was not mine. I was 16 weeks pregnant and already knew the gender of my baby but if I did not go through with my abortion I would have had caused her so much pain. I say this because if it had not been through the clinic it would have been through a violent ending from home. I remember telling my then partner that I was pregnant I thought after already having 2 kids he would have been comforting and tell me what a blessing to have a third baby, I was wrong. Instead I was told how could I do this to him and we were not financially good to take on another baby. I thought we would have been fine but he stated otherwise. I kept telling myself he would come around and change his mind about the constant, “You need to make a damn appointment!” and things would get better. It was always a threat and physical pain when I told him I couldn’t make an appointment in hopes that he would change his mind. I even went as far as finding out the gender thinking maybe he’ll see it’s an actual blessing for another sweet baby to come in our lives. This only caused more pain for myself because he made promise to me that if the baby or an appointment was not made by the end of the month, it would be forced out of me by his own hands. I made my appointment and dreaded it each day. The day came and I even begged him that morning to not make me do it, he just pushed me out of bed and stated I had no choice. I went in numb and vulnerable, looking at those around me not knowing what to do most people say why didn’t you run or make it known but what choice can you make when there is no help around and you have two little ones you need to get back to at home. It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship the way the world makes it seem. After the unthinkable happened I had to wait for him to pick me up as I could not leave on my own, his whole attitude could have fooled me as now with no baby inside me he was the most nurturing and loving man anyone could think of. This was days before I found out it was all due to someone else being pregnant with his now 2 year old daughter. I too was set to have a little girl who I named heaven spelled backwards. I keep her alive by ensuring that she is the reason I escaped when I found out I was pregnant again with her brother. She is my reason for being blessed with a beatiful baby boy who I know she hand picked for her mama. The decision to not have her here physically was not mine but I love her dearly, think of her dearly and know she’s with me each day that I get through thinking of her.