My love Bug

I’m 26. Recently had an abortion due to me being on a non FDA approved drug. I had been on this medication for 5 months now. Each doctor visit you’re required to take an online “test”, pregnancy test and blood test. And have two forms of birth control. Getting pregnant on this medication is a huge no-no. And what happens with me? I get pregnant. I knew the consequences while getting pregnant on this drug. I wanted to be so happy about this little bug inside me. But I became so sad the second I found out. Knowing that if I chose to continue he’d (I could feel it was a boy) would have so many cognitive and physical issues. I couldn’t forgive myself bringing him that kind of pain into this world. I’m filled with regret either way. Regret that I terminated his future and this love. If I had him, regret would be knowing I did that to him and all I’d wanna do is take the pain away. I feel like I don’t have a reason to be sad since I decided to go through with the abortion. But I can’t help to think about the What If’s with him. I was 6 weeks when I went through with the abortion process. We heard his little heart beat and I fell in love. I go out or I’m just enjoying others company and I find myself feeling as if I have a baby at home to tend to so I need to get back home soon. Does anyone feel that way? I feel my boobs drop like I need to go feed him. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I was meant to have him. I never knew I needed someone like that or would feel this kind of love. In a positive way I see what I want for my future, in a man, in a husband differently. It was only 6 weeks but it feels so much longer. The last 2 weeks I felt as if I knew him and our bodies just felt each other. My partner through this and I call him Bug. I just wonder how it all would have turned out.