My first abortion my last abortion 

Ever since I killed my little girl I have been in fear I have been shocked more traumatized then I was I thought it would not hurt I thought it would not effect me but it constantly stays in your mind when you have kids and see other kids then really messes with you because it feel not right when you get in abortion they tell you that you’re not alone but after you get it you really feel more alone you feel more confused like I was I was 20 weeks pregnant and I was already going to complications with my pregnancy on top of that I was not with the father and he wanted nothing to do with me having two kids alone with no fathers in their lifeIt put me back in the depression of going through it all again alone when they tell me I wasn’t alone and everything will be OK and that he didn’t deserve that child by meBut it mainly wasn’t about him it was about my child coming into a world confused like I was having another daughter whose father is not in her life having a man put his hands on me while I’m pregnant with their only child breaks my heart to still feel unwanted and not worthy when you think that a baby will fix everything or bring moments back together I don’t when they say choose wisely who you are having a baby by take that in consideration truly think about it before you just go off and lay with someone you don’t know or thought you knew I never saw myself with four kids no husband I never saw myself with four kids and four different dads but your life is your choice that’s why it’s good to make smart decisions that’s why it’s good for protection if you’re not ready for kids and a lot of families force abortions on teenagers because if they see that they’re not ready in life but a parent also forget that it shouldn’t be their choice The experience I had was not so fun it was not right it constantly haunts me thinking about someone going inside of me taking out something that I put inside of me that was my choice people make mistakes all the time yes that’s true but sometimes all things are not mistakes there are warnings and they are lessons putting more exhaust on yourself than it needs to be will cause you to overthink will cause you to be more torn if a miscarriage is not naturally happening don’t go forcing it I never gave a kid up for adoption but if I was ever to go through that route again I will pick adoption they say why would you wanna bring a kid in this messed up world when it’s already so much going on a lot of sick people out here killing kids raping kids especially when you come from a messed up family but now I look at my two kids as I don’t have any family but my own trail What time do you have to make your village it might not be perfect it might not be the way you wanted it a good deeds is much important Then bad seed regardless of the relationship I always told myself I wanted four children. I really messed that up wishing you can go back in time but you know there’s no way wishing you had more of a supportive family but sometimes all you have is yourself tears in my eyes as I type this hurts me till this day not only to get a abortion but to get Pregnant right after literally a month later and all I could do was just say and cry with pain and anger that I did to myself