I never knew how much this would affect my life

I was “old enough to know better” when I had my abortion. I had one child, a beautiful daughter that was 7 years old when I had the abortion. I was in a serious relationship with my previous boyfriend, and he made it perfectly clear he did not want to have the baby. I was so scared to try and do this on my own, and even though I loved the baby, I did what he wanted rather than follow my own desire. I had to drive three hours away, by myself, and I was so scared. This was more than 15 years ago, and I’ve experienced nightmares and feeling the loss of my baby through many of those years. I was told repeatedly by those encouraging me to move forward with the abortion that it wasn’t really a baby. I know now that it was, and there were a lot of development features in place. I just didn’t want to see it. I was too worried about what my boyfriend thought, and cared less about protecting the baby. I’m incredibly ashamed about that today. I have consistent fears and shame that I deal with all the time, and I also believe I’ve experienced a lot of weight gain over the years because I equate being healthy and in shape with this traumatic experience. Or, I’m just trying to punish myself. If I could go back and change things, I wouldn’t have the abortion. I would have a child now that would be graduating from high school, and I know I could have managed somehow on my own. I think removing a child forcibly in that way does something to the mother that they cannot get over. I know that I cannot at least. Yes, as time goes on, I do not think of it nearly as much. But every year I remember it. All I can say is, I regret it deeply.