Please let me go back!!!!!!😭 

I was 19, living with my cold Stepfather and overprotective Mom, who still saw me as a child. I had no self-esteem & no self-worth— STILL DON’T. I had my first boyfriend at 16– he abused me in every way. I was alone, had no strength, & thought I loved him & would die without him- so I allowed every bit of it and never fought back. This included losing my virginity to him. I was a terrified little 16-year-old, alone & afraid what my Mom & Stepfather would think of me/do if I lost my virginity. But this boyfriend that was like air to me— he forced himself on me. He made it very clear that if I didn’t allow this he would leave me that very second and easily find it somewhere else. Three years later— age 19– I was dating a 24-year-old man who had his own house. I was still that terrified little girl of 16. I had been told by a Doctor that I had medical problems and would have a very hard time getting pregnant. As was the case at age 16, just three years earlier, I thought I’d better have sex with this man or he’d leave me. WHY did I care so much if a boy or man left me????😭 I believe it stems from severe bullying, a Stepfather who clearly hated me and treated me with such coldness and like I was WORTHLESS😭, and from having no self-esteem. Also from being alone and having no support. I had sex with this man one time—and I guess that Doctor was wrong, because I became pregnant. When my period didn’t come and I was feeling differently, I tried so hard to not let myself even go there. I so feared what my Stepfather would do. I so feared my Mom wouldn’t love me anymore or would think differently of me. I just COULDN’T be pregnant. I Prayed and begged for my period to come. It never did. Full of paralyzing fear, I went to a clinic and had the test. I was pregnant, 7 or 8 weeks along. I scheduled an abortion for the VERY NEXT MORNING. Those fears I wrote about were all that was driving me😭, & I didn’t even give my baby and I 24 hours😭😭😭😭 By the way— I don’t feel I even have the RIGHT to say ‘my baby’😭 or to even speak of him or her😭 or tell him or her how sorry I am😭😭😭 Anyone reading this: DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT *ANYONE* ELSE WOULD THINK. If your Mother views you differently then that is HER PROBLEM. If your Stepfsther throws you out of the house look at it as a GIFT. If co-workers, college teachers/classmates, other family members, ANYONE— if they look at you with SHAME for having sex out of wedlock and being pregnant, just TURN AND WALK AWAY FROM THEM *ALL*. All that matters is you and your baby. THEY do not have to live the rest of their life feeling they murdered their own CHILD😭😭😭 And wishing time travel existed so they could go back and NOT do it😭😭😭 Or fear they are going to HELL for what they’ve done😭😭😭😭 Sobbing daily at not being able to hold and kiss their own baby😭, and the REASON they can’t is because THEY MURDERED THEM!!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭😭 This is decades later and I still sob and have graphic nightmares and keep screaming in empty rooms to PLEASE LET ME GO BACK!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 I died the same day I murdered my helpless baby😭 I was instantly and forever changed😭 I fear going to Hell😭 I want to tell my baby how SORRY😭😭😭 I am and how much I love him or her😭😭— but I don’t feel I even have the RIGHT to do so😭😭😭 SCREW EVERYONE ELSE AND WHAT THEY MAY THINK— *DON’T* MAKE THE SAME MUSTAKE I DID😭😭😭😭😭😭