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Regret and Loss. 

by Admin

I was 24 and 5 months postpartum with my son. Married and we both worked good paying jobs. I could tell something was off because I was desperately trying to lose weight but only gaining. My head had been hurting for almost 2 weeks. I took the test and as I was peeing on it, immediately it popped positive. My first thought was to laugh because hell, I was on birth control and we tried for my son for 2 YEARS! I didn’t tell my husband because I was actually terrified. After about 12 hours of holding the news in, I said it- “I’m pregnant.” He thought I was lying so we got another test and once again before I could even speak- it was 2 very distinct pink lines. At first, my husband made jokes about having 2 under 2 but those jokes turned into a quick discussion about abortion. I told him that it did cross my mind surprisingly… I was scared. My son was only 5 months old and he was a very hard baby. I still had PTSD from his Colic stage. I remember telling him I wanted to see the baby before we made any decisions. He was opposed of course. I called the abortion clinic 3 hours away from me. The soonest they could get me in would put me POSSIBLY at 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I told him, that’s too far. It was amazing, the amount of encouragement he gave me to have this abortion. Made me sick. I would tell him, “ I can’t do it, I’ll hate myself for it if I do.” And his reply, “you got this babe.” We ended up getting an appointment two days later and on the way, I cried and cried. Want to know what he did the whole way? He sang along to disgusting rap music. I wondered, “why is he so happy? How can he be in such a good mood?” I asked, he said “I handle situations differently than you.” I sat down in the clinic alone and texted him- “I can’t do this, it’s wrong.” He again, cheered me on. So I did It- took the first pill. Took the remaining home to take the next day BUT at about 12 the next day- I bursted into tears and cried out “I change my mind, I change my mind!” My husband was working so I texted him about seeking medical help to see if we can reverse the affects. From stories I heard- if you can be seen by an OB within 24 hours and be given progesterone, you can possibly save the baby. Clearly I had been doing some research. My husband texted back that the abortion needed to be completed and that we couldn’t continue the pregnancy. By time my husband came home, he become annoyed by my tears and said “fine keep the baby.” Well by this time, our sweet baby was likely gone so to save the embarrassment at the ER- I just took the remaining pills… instant regret. Minutes later- I was bleeding heavily. No one prepared me for the fact that it was going to physically see the body of my 9ish week old fetus in my toilet as I was arched over in pain. Days following, the regret became so overwhelming that I stopped eating. I stopped communicating with friends. I looked at my sweet 5 month old boy and apologized profusely- “I’m so sorry that I took away your brother or sister.” Eventually I cracked and finally told my mom who didn’t believe me… the disappointment in her voice… I’ll never forget it. I was seeking support but instead was hit with more pain. She said “you absolutely could have had that baby, why did you do that?” That’s when I realized, I didn’t have a good answer. I wasn’t raped, I’m not poor, my health was good. My reasons were associated with my husband’s satisfaction… Now. Now I can’t look at my husband the same. The resentment is undeniable. I think back to those messages where I cried out “I don’t want to do this” and then his replies, “you got this,” I support you,” “it’s the best things for us.” Yeah I’m still married to him. I can’t risk losing partial custody of my son. His parents are wealthy and I know that if we got a divorce, the custody he would fight for would 100% be for his parents. I can’t risk it. So now what do I have? A lot of regret. A sour marriage. Emotional damage. My drive to keep going is my son. That’s all. Fear is something you can get past, regret sticks with you forever.

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