10 years later I still mourn

I was 14 I had been with my partner for a year who was about 2 years older than me . My parents were going through a separation and we were also moving when I noticed my breast were leaking milk my partner with whom I’m still with today thank u god he recommended intake a pregnancy test but I didn’t want to because I knew . I thought I’d hide and sleep the issue away but the problem was becoming more and more visable . It was august September .. In October I had when ahead and went through with it … I wanted my baby but I was realistic to the reality of me not being able to provide for this child because I couldn’t provide for myself . The fact I was so young I was afraid to bring unwanted problems to my mother and sisters I thought my dad would kill me and my boyfriend I told my partner to get a Job we were both young so work opportunities weren’t just arriving as they do now I tried to get a job I would lie and say I didn’t have papers so people would want to hire me but I would never go because of my situation . His mom knew my mom didn’t she never really liked me and she should’ve told my mom I was pregnant I was staying in her house . As a mother she had no concern for me I literally bothered her so I know that’s why she just sat back and offered no help or comfort what so ever she would just tell me don’t get an abortion I can’t tell Yu what to do but my son wants the baby I tried to leave to another country so I can have my baby there but no one was helping me escape no one was helping me feel safe . So I did what I thought was right which I knew was wrong a permanent damaging fix to a temporary issue .. I cried for 24 hours the night and day before and the whole day of . He tried to stop me the whole day but he didn’t do it the right way I was afraid and I was alone Ofcorse I went through with it only to go to far and then try to turn back at that point I was already being sedated and the surgeon pushed me back to lay down rather than understanding I said wait hold on . I don’t wanna do this but I was sedated I woke up moving around looking for someone asking for my baby … an angelic nurse had hugged me and then left I was bits and pieces after that and I still am I went through so much following this all I know is i tried to stop but it was already too too late god forgive me for my sins and help me forgive myself so i can live in peace because some days are tougher than others and everyday since then I miss my angel I’m 23 now. 10/12/14 until we meet again my guardian