20 and confused 

It’s been almost a year since the abortion. My dad died in October 2020 then his father died last May (2021). The guy I had been seeing wasn’t my boyfriend and things were complicated. We did everything but put a label on things and I always knew he wasn’t trying to be with me. I had always been pro choice but never thought I would be able to abort my child. After all the loss I encountered in less than a year, to find out I was 20 and pregnant with no family support… was terrifying. My partner told me he wasn’t ready to be a dad and didn’t seem interested in anything but being able to have unprotected sex with me since I was already pregnant… I felt objectified and so bad for this child. How would I love this baby, be a good mom, and handle all the grief???? I know I can’t rely on my partner and I can barely rely on myself, so I made the quick decision. Once I found out I was pregnant, I felt that baby’s presence. Maybe that sounds silly, but when you know you know. I was only 5 weeks, but it stays on my mind everyday. Luckily my friend drove me to the clinic but my partner didn’t even text or call for many hours after the appointment. Didn’t show up, didn’t help pay, just didn’t care. Even though I was grieving, and still am, I sometimes wish I didn’t make that decision. I would’ve had my first Mother’s Day this year and I already loved the small fetus I was carrying. I really hope one day I will see them in heaven and have happy and healthy children while I’m here.