My mother wanted me to have a boy 

I was 32 and had three daughters. I originally belong to a country in South Asia. I got pregnant. With every daughter, my mother would ask me why I didn’t have a genetic procedure where a male baby could be guaranteed and placed in my womb. I was told that my village people were talking about how doomed I was with having all girls. When I got pregnant, I was afraid that I would have another girl and my mom would get upset again why I hadn’t had the genetic sex selection procedure done. Also, my husband would travel all the time and I was looking after three children. I had pre partum depression and I was scared of my mom’s disappointment. I drove myself to the abortion center. It was a cold facility where a doctor sucked the baby out of me. Later, I came home and cried. The devastation didn’t take years to hit me. It hit me right there and then that night. I would do anything to go back and not abort. For years, I have compartmentalized that memory so that it doesn’t hit me. I look forward to my next life when I will be reunited with that child that I killed because I was afraid that it would be a girl and that my mother would keep harassing me. Oh God forgive me. Ameen. I wish the choice to abort didn’t exist so that I hadn’t used it. I will apologize to this child in heaven if I see them. Other than that, I just shield that memory in a dark close room in my brain because if I remember, I can’t function in life.