When I was about 30 I met a girl in my hometown. Her best quality was that she was very smart. But she was also very fertile. Within a few months of dating she got pregnant despite having taken the day after pill. She went to the doctor and ended it with an abortion pill while it was still at a very young stage. I never knew the gender, and still think about that one.
We continued to date and eventually she got pregnant again, this time with twins. She asked me if I wanted to be a co-parent with her since she thought it was too much to abort again. I was shocked and was upset and asked her to take care of it like the first time. She refused and said that she wanted to keep the babies. She said that twins were special. I felt like my life was being torn apart. Over the weeks we continued to talk on a daily basis and I warmed up to the idea. We never met after she became pregnant again, but through talking with her I came to see the special gift I was given to have twins. We we discussed raising them together. She had an ultrasound and they were going to be twin boys. We discussed names, and they were going to have different versions of my first name.
I was excited, and actually wanted them.
Suddenly it seemed that she had a change of heart and decided that being a mom would interrupt her schooling, despite that she had three associates degrees. She came up with a number of excuses for why she did not want the twins. I was confused, and it felt like the roles had reversed. Now I was trying to convince her to keep them. I tried to convince her that we could do it and our families could handle it. But she had changed her mind and I just didn’t fight hard enough. She told me that she wanted to be married, and I should have just told her yes. I regret allowing her to do it. I regret giving her money to do it. I regret not fighting harder and yelling no louder.
I knew the day it was going to happen. I was planning on intercepting her at the planned parenthood office to see her and talk to her. I was going to beg with her not to do it, and convince her that we could be a family. But I couldn’t find her. I got a message later stating “they are gone”, which was a profoundly sad experience.
I saw visions of myself reaching out to two babies who were receding away into white light. I had nightmares with images of babies with x’s on their eyes. It deeply affected me and I was a complete mess. I could only repeatedly think for the next year that I had babies and they died. I could hear them asking me why I didn’t want them.
It turns out that after she got pregnant with twins she had traveled out of state to Oklahoma to be with her ex-boyfriend without telling me and got the abortion there. She also got pregnant yet again with her ex within a couple of months after she aborted my twins.
This has screwed up my life, and I have been thinking of this daily for the last seven years. It continuously haunts me. Sometimes I wonder if heaven is real. I hope my twin baby boys are with my mom in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if I should just commit suicide to be with them. I know that my mom forgives me in the afterlife, but I know that they do not. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve to live. They were innocent beings who did nothing wrong. The girl was manipulative, but I also caused some of that. I probably caused her to leave the state to go to her ex. I was at fault for not doing better and for not fighting harder for my babies.
My advice is:
– If you have a feeling that you might regret something, it is a guarantee that you are going to regret it.
– Don’t have sex with someone you aren’t willing to marry.
– Abortion is not an easy way out.
The trauma of this is scarring, even years later. If you have a conscience then abortion is not for you.
Your story hurts my heart for you. I pray you find an abortion grief program that can help you in the healing process. I will tell you this… God forgives you and so do your twin boys. Jesus died on the cross for your forgiveness. All you have to do is believe and ask. Cry out to Him when you feel haunted, He will heal and restore your heart. and one day you will be with them and your mom in heaven.