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I suffered rejection from my father and mother who sided with him. I was rejected by my caregivers after my parents death. The second set of caregivers didn’t have time for me which was interpreted by me as rejection again. Finally I was on my own and found myself pregnant and not knowing who the father was I went to three different men and each one rejected me and would not help me financially with an abortion which was my only consideration. All I knew was rejection and so I rejected the child growing in my womb. What would I do with a baby? I secretively had an abortion in a hospital and never wanted anyone to know. My employer called the hospital and they told him I was having an abortion. I was furious and planned to murder my employer! I could not pull the trigger only because I would end up in prison. I moved on in life looking for acceptance in all the wrong places ie bars. Years later I discovered I could confess the abortion as murder to the Lord and He would forgive me as He had taken that sin as His OWN and paid for it on the cross… He took my murder sentence for me. Soon after I volunteered at a pregnancy rescue clinic and was able to counsel a young woman to have her twins. I participated in anti-abortion marches, etc. I was much relieved to discovered that all human life that is terminated before birth for any reason goes to be with Jesus. I was so happy that I named my daughter, Siloam, which means, “sent”. My full acceptance by Jesus and the revealed knowledge of how precious my life is helps me now both forgive and embrace everyone including pro-abortion advocates. If you can hear me, “Thanks Mom, for not killing me!”

I had two abortions and i want to tell God im sorry and ask for Forgiveness of sin.

I got pregnant when I was 18 years old with my first son I had him when I turned 19. He was happy and healthy everything I always wanted. Then four months later I became pregnant and was in such a hard position at 19. I was in debt I was struggling I was depressed I had the worst postpartum I couldn’t even take care of myself or my child. so I was stuck with a decision on what I had to do. I got pregnant by my boyfriend who is the father of our firstborn. we were both so confused and decided an abortion would be the right choice. I got an abortion when I was 16 weeks December 18, 2018 . I remember walking in that chilling cold room laying down on the hard table. I remember the doctors watching me while I was crying as he was putting the needle in my arm (to be sedated) Today Thursday, October 22 2020 I can say I hundred percent regret my decision. Every time I look at my son I wonder the relationship he would’ve had with his sibling. sometimes I think why the doctors didn’t stop when I started freaking out crying sometimes I think they could’ve talked me out of it. I regret my decision but there’s nothing I can do about it other than move on. I feel such guilt it’s disgusting. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even feel guilty because I made the decision. I am all for your body your choice, I believe women have the right to have abortions. but don’t just jump into it thinking that it’s the right choice because sometimes speaking to other people about it could give you other ideas than abortion. Today after 1&1/2 years I told my mother-in-law that her son and I decided to get an abortion. it was one of the hardest things I had to do because I regret it every time I think about it I just feel disgusting. She reassured me that if I talked to her she wouldn’t have been disappointed she would’ve helped us out. I was just so scared and worried in 2018 I had no idea I would be so far as I am today in 2020. What I did was a selfish careless thing I honestly didnt just think about it i just went & got one. Hopefully within time I can accept what I did. I won’t feel disgusting every time I talk about getting pregnant again. I feel like me getting pregnant again would be such a selfish thing why can I have my first born baby but not my second and then try again years later?.. hopefully within time ill heal. thank you for listening

I’m now 32 years old. I had an abortion when I was only 18 years old. I was 5 1/2 weeks. Let’s start with a few weeks before I knew I was with child. I was living with my high school boyfriend and left my mother’s house a few years before. We saved up the money for me to have breast augmentation. The scary part is the Dr. Who gave me operation had to know I was 3 weeks along and didn’t stop my surgery that morning. I was still healing from that when I noticed my missed period. I told my boyfriend to get me a test (thinking I couldn’t be, right?) And so he did. One test went positive. I felt terror come over me and I was completely overwhelmed. I had him get five more test. I was pregnant for sure. I came from a conservative christian up bringing, so calling family is not something I felt I could do. I was mad at the surgeon who did my surgery. I felt that something might be wrong with the child and I never wanted to think of it as a child. All that I ever knew about my belief that abortion was wrong was being placed out of my head as my scared self justified that I wanted “it” gone. I was a model. Not an aspiring model, a working model. I had already done brands such as Axe body spray and Hawaiian tropic. I got my breast done to move into swimsuit and glamour. I wanted Playboy. All of these wants out weigh my reality in that moment. I seen all my dreams coming undone at once and it must be all my boyfriend’s fault and that surgeon. Anybody but me, right? Smh I never stopped crying more than five mins from the moment I found out till days after my abortion. So abortion was illegal in my home state. I had to drive across state lines to do this. I paid the extra 150$ to not be awake. I remember going in and feeling so out of place in this clinic. After I was signed in, I was in a back room waiting with all these women who were older than me. Some talking about how many times they had been there. One lady said “I can feel it breaking down.” There was a side bathroom that I kept going back in and puking. Something I was doing was seriously messing with my head and making me sick. I was crying so hard that it was like a pause and breath dry cry. One other lady said to me, “honey I don’t think you can do this.” My reply was, ” I got to.” They called my name to go in an office with an ultrasound machine. This was needed before I had the abortion. The medical woman told me the option of adoption process. I declined……And then the ultrasound started. Why she made me look at that screen haunts me to this day. The heartbeat was there. I remember the lady telling me that I didn’t have to do this. I think because I was crying so much. It was almost like I wasn’t there and I was above my body watching myself respond to all of this. I was obviously having a moral battle that everyone could see. However, they let me go through with it. I recall my legs up on the foot things. Thinking to myself, it’s almost over and guilt was already there for sure. I almost felt like my mind was changing right before I went under. Too little too late? Yeah…. I woke up in the recovery room. I couldn’t believe it was over and I felt no relief. All I felt was guilt and a feeling of self worth lost. I was mad at myself immediately…. I was bleeding for 14 days after this. I thought something was wrong so I went to the emergency room. I told them I had an abortion and I was scared. The Dr in the emergency room forced me “open” and was not easy with it. He told me very cold, ” nope you are fine”. I felt so ashamed. The town I lived in was also conservative and I believe that Dr. thought I deserved the pain. Fast forward about 6 months…..I got into Playboy after all. I left for LA and dropped my boyfriend. I didn’t care anymore. I had so much guilt that I became very outspoken against christian values and I even played in witch craft. I began to use drugs but they never had me hooked, that’s not my story. I did use at parties and over the next five years I went through 5 boyfriend’s, all models and godless men. I went to parties in beverly hills, I met A-list stars and even had sex at the Playboy Mansion. I seen the evil side of Hollywood and I was one of the devil’s in it. I didn’t want to think about what I did so I surrounded myself with ppl who had no problem with it, basically……I got many modeling contracts and had life experiences I never would have had if I had my baby. That’s a fact but facts are also I would never be a whole person again. I didn’t only take my baby out of me, I took my heart out that day also. Now let’s get to 26. Top of my career and on bf number lucky 7. I had still not been pregnant again. My grandma back home became ill and needed me. That girl I tucked away years before started coming out. I went home to help her. While she was recovering she forced me to watch bible studies. Because it’s what she liked to watch and I was in the room with her. I felt that guilt I burried coming back. I could hear the ring of truth in my ears and it was more than I could bare. Had I sold my soul? I was empty. But then it hit me, it was never mine to sell. I don’t belong to me, no more than that baby did. We all belong to something bigger than the ego. I remember breaking down in the shower and just crying as badly as I did that day at the clinic. Why does the sound of vacuums make me so uncomfortable, I was asleep? Why had my views went so far left away from what I knew as a kid? Ego, “edging God out”…… I deleted all my social media accounts. I broke contracts and quit entertainment. I’ve been gone from online for over five years. Not even a Facebook account. I stopped dating, not even a night out for five years straight. I started taking care of the elderly. I got completely by myself and fell into deep depression and self examination. I came back to God ladies. When my grandma died, I was in the room. I seen the life go out of her eyes and a new found respect for life came with that moment. Abortion should be illegal. Nobody that young should be able to make a choice about another person’s life inside them. The nightmares, the vacuum sound literally causes terror in me to this day. I turned on the vacuum to face it one day. How did my mind even hear this? Or how am I linking the sound to what I did? Still processing….. I’ve gotten back good with my family and roots. But I still hear my family talking harshly about ppl who have abortions and the zero tolerance, kill them attitude they have about it. I still have never told any of them my secret. I get reminded of my guilt when I hear them talk about this in passing political conversation around the table. I feel like I’m living with a deep dark secret. The guilt is real. If anybody out there is going through this know you are not alone. Also know that you CAN forgive yourself. That’s one I have to remind myself a lot. God has the power to forgive, but we often are the ones who have trouble in forgiving ourselves. Insurance companies drop your cost at 25. They know something science has proven. Your decision making part of your brain is not attached completely till this point. So, young ladies, think twice. This sh*t doesn’t go away. I hope this helps somebody out there. I really do…. God bless you all. This is the first time I’ve told my story…..

I have been struggling with a decision I made about 18 years ago. I was in a relationship with a man I thought I would marry – no question. We did not use protection so we were so worried that we looked into the morning after pill (plan b) as an option. It was pretty new so not much information was know about it. I went to get the pill at a pharmacy and the person there asked me if I knew all about it. I said yes, just one question “is not an abortion right?”. She told me if you have it and you are pregnant there will be no effect. I was so relieved that I went with it. Little I knew it could potentially be an abortion. No way to know at that stage. I went into serious depression after learning what I had done. The limbo of not knowing if I had killed my baby kept me endless nights in tears. I thought of me as a monster. How could I be so naive? Why did I believe everything before researching? I have to live in the limbo forever of whether I killed my kid or not, yet I am pro-life. Planned parenthood seems to just care about money, wish they will just tell te truth. Maybe one day I will know if my kid was actually aborted. I hope not, I cannot bear with that idea. I rather pretend not. Only God knows. I will stand with life all my life to make amends. So unfair how women get tricked or misinformed.

I had just turned 18 a month ago, I was 8 days or so late. When I was only 6 days late, I didn’t think much of it since I felt completely normal. I wrote in my journal about how much I craved motherhood, and how grateful I was for my future children. I had no idea how much my life would change. Two days later, my then boyfriend and I decided to go get a pregnancy test. I took the test in my boyfriend’s bathroom, we were both in a rush and our plan was for me to take the test, kiss each other goodbye, then go off to our part time summer jobs. When I saw the + sign, I was at a loss for words. I had no thoughts, I looked to my boyfriend for guidance in how to react but he was just as frozen as I was. Immediately, I went into his older sister’s room. He called her name and I put the test in front of her eyes. Her instant reaction was to grab my hand and bring me into the bathroom alone with her. The first thing she told me was that I would be okay with getting the abortion, that her friends had got them and I could get an appointment as soon as the upcoming Monday. She presented it to me like there was no other option than abortion. So did my friends. So did my therapist. They all (including his sister) knew my relationship with that boy was more than toxic, it was overwhelmingly unstable and no one wanted me to be stuck with him because of this baby….which they were all right. He ended up screaming at me and throwing a glass candle at me days after the abortion, when I was bleeding. My mom, later, told me she would have kicked me out if I had the baby. My boyfriend was the only person who weighed out all options with me, but we both agreed abortion was what had to happen. We cried for days. He laid on my stomach and told our little one how much we loved them and how sorry we were. We got a special teddy bear for me to have inside of the room with me, so that it could be our special bear. Our baby, him, and mine’s special bear. I took the pills. The pain of the contractions from my little baby that was just over five weeks old was agonizing, but the grief was worse. I cried every day, many, many times. I latched onto that bear for dear life. I cried at my job. I cried in his bed. I cried to his sisters. I cried to his mom. I didn’t stop crying. It’s only been three months, not even three yet, and I haven’t stopped crying. I named my baby Parker, the name just felt special and it felt so right. I got a tattoo for Parker, my angel baby in the sky, a pisces constellation tattoo since they would have been a pisces. I wake up in the middle of the night, swearing I hear Parker cry. If I had known how overwhelmingly unbearable this pain would feel, I don’t know if I could’ve done it. I miss my baby every single day, and I just hope one day I stop crying and missing him so much.

It was 2010, I had just turned twenty years old and had a one year old child already named Emily. Emily’s father had left me for another woman shortly before her birth. I had been seeing another man and we had gotten quite serious. Little did I understand in that young, naive, vulnerable state, this man was abusive and extremely sociopathic. On Halloween that year I discovered I was pregnant. He yelled at me and told me it wasn’t his. He blocked my number and I thought he’d just abandoned me. However, a few days later he messaged me and asked me to take a ride with him. He told me he didn’t want anymore children and told me his father had offered to pay for an abortion. I told him of course not…. I would never kill my baby! He left… he then proceeded to show up to my job and just sit in the parking lot for hours. He sat outside of my home honking his horn at all days/ hours of the night. He called and texted me hundreds of times during the day. He harassed my friends and family. I finally broke. I couldn’t do it anymore. He was going to continue this unless I gave in. We scheduled the abortion, and we went up the day before. I had to sleep in the back of his truck because he didn’t have a credit card to pay for a hotel. I couldn’t eat because I was so sick to my stomach about what was to come. The next day we went into the clinic, there were protesters outside and I was called a murdering whore on my way in, that made me burst into tears. But still, he persisted. He sat in the waiting room while I filled out the paperwork, but refused to go when they called me back. I sat in that cold table and was told it was simple and we’d go the chemical route. They did a sonogram and forced me to see the baby on the screen. My heart broke and I sobbed waiting for the doctor to come back. They gave me a single pill and wrote me a prescription for three I had to insert vaginally when I returned home. We went back that evening, I felt so hollow. When we returned he was supposed to care for me while my body rejected the fetus. He watched me writhe in pain for a day and decided it wasn’t his responsibility. He drove me to my mothers house and told me to get out of his car. I looked for him later, even walking to his parents house. His mother told me she’d give me a ride home. I didn’t see him for a month after everything. I was alone to deal with the feelings of pain and resentment. Don’t ever let somebody make you feel like it isn’t your choice. Don’t let them take your power. I mourn the loss of my baby every day and feel guilt as it was my fault.