I’m 26. Recently had an abortion due to me being on a non FDA approved drug. I had been on this medication for 5 months now. Each doctor visit you’re required to take an online “test”, pregnancy test and blood test. And have two forms of birth control. Getting pregnant on this medication is a huge no-no. And what happens with me? I get pregnant. I knew the consequences while getting pregnant on this drug. I wanted to be so happy about this little bug inside me. But I became so sad the second I found out. Knowing that if I chose to continue he’d (I could feel it was a boy) would have so many cognitive and physical issues. I couldn’t forgive myself bringing him that kind of pain into this world. I’m filled with regret either way. Regret that I terminated his future and this love. If I had him, regret would be knowing I did that to him and all I’d wanna do is take the pain away. I feel like I don’t have a reason to be sad since I decided to go through with the abortion. But I can’t help to think about the What If’s with him. I was 6 weeks when I went through with the abortion process. We heard his little heart beat and I fell in love. I go out or I’m just enjoying others company and I find myself feeling as if I have a baby at home to tend to so I need to get back home soon. Does anyone feel that way? I feel my boobs drop like I need to go feed him. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I was meant to have him. I never knew I needed someone like that or would feel this kind of love. In a positive way I see what I want for my future, in a man, in a husband differently. It was only 6 weeks but it feels so much longer. The last 2 weeks I felt as if I knew him and our bodies just felt each other. My partner through this and I call him Bug. I just wonder how it all would have turned out.
Category:
All Testimonials
Ever since I killed my little girl I have been in fear I have been shocked more traumatized then I was I thought it would not hurt I thought it would not effect me but it constantly stays in your mind when you have kids and see other kids then really messes with you because it feel not right when you get in abortion they tell you that you’re not alone but after you get it you really feel more alone you feel more confused like I was I was 20 weeks pregnant and I was already going to complications with my pregnancy on top of that I was not with the father and he wanted nothing to do with me having two kids alone with no fathers in their lifeIt put me back in the depression of going through it all again alone when they tell me I wasn’t alone and everything will be OK and that he didn’t deserve that child by meBut it mainly wasn’t about him it was about my child coming into a world confused like I was having another daughter whose father is not in her life having a man put his hands on me while I’m pregnant with their only child breaks my heart to still feel unwanted and not worthy when you think that a baby will fix everything or bring moments back together I don’t when they say choose wisely who you are having a baby by take that in consideration truly think about it before you just go off and lay with someone you don’t know or thought you knew I never saw myself with four kids no husband I never saw myself with four kids and four different dads but your life is your choice that’s why it’s good to make smart decisions that’s why it’s good for protection if you’re not ready for kids and a lot of families force abortions on teenagers because if they see that they’re not ready in life but a parent also forget that it shouldn’t be their choice The experience I had was not so fun it was not right it constantly haunts me thinking about someone going inside of me taking out something that I put inside of me that was my choice people make mistakes all the time yes that’s true but sometimes all things are not mistakes there are warnings and they are lessons putting more exhaust on yourself than it needs to be will cause you to overthink will cause you to be more torn if a miscarriage is not naturally happening don’t go forcing it I never gave a kid up for adoption but if I was ever to go through that route again I will pick adoption they say why would you wanna bring a kid in this messed up world when it’s already so much going on a lot of sick people out here killing kids raping kids especially when you come from a messed up family but now I look at my two kids as I don’t have any family but my own trail What time do you have to make your village it might not be perfect it might not be the way you wanted it a good deeds is much important Then bad seed regardless of the relationship I always told myself I wanted four children. I really messed that up wishing you can go back in time but you know there’s no way wishing you had more of a supportive family but sometimes all you have is yourself tears in my eyes as I type this hurts me till this day not only to get a abortion but to get Pregnant right after literally a month later and all I could do was just say and cry with pain and anger that I did to myself
I was 24 and 5 months postpartum with my son. Married and we both worked good paying jobs. I could tell something was off because I was desperately trying to lose weight but only gaining. My head had been hurting for almost 2 weeks. I took the test and as I was peeing on it, immediately it popped positive. My first thought was to laugh because hell, I was on birth control and we tried for my son for 2 YEARS! I didn’t tell my husband because I was actually terrified. After about 12 hours of holding the news in, I said it- “I’m pregnant.” He thought I was lying so we got another test and once again before I could even speak- it was 2 very distinct pink lines. At first, my husband made jokes about having 2 under 2 but those jokes turned into a quick discussion about abortion. I told him that it did cross my mind surprisingly… I was scared. My son was only 5 months old and he was a very hard baby. I still had PTSD from his Colic stage. I remember telling him I wanted to see the baby before we made any decisions. He was opposed of course. I called the abortion clinic 3 hours away from me. The soonest they could get me in would put me POSSIBLY at 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I told him, that’s too far. It was amazing, the amount of encouragement he gave me to have this abortion. Made me sick. I would tell him, “ I can’t do it, I’ll hate myself for it if I do.” And his reply, “you got this babe.” We ended up getting an appointment two days later and on the way, I cried and cried. Want to know what he did the whole way? He sang along to disgusting rap music. I wondered, “why is he so happy? How can he be in such a good mood?” I asked, he said “I handle situations differently than you.” I sat down in the clinic alone and texted him- “I can’t do this, it’s wrong.” He again, cheered me on. So I did It- took the first pill. Took the remaining home to take the next day BUT at about 12 the next day- I bursted into tears and cried out “I change my mind, I change my mind!” My husband was working so I texted him about seeking medical help to see if we can reverse the affects. From stories I heard- if you can be seen by an OB within 24 hours and be given progesterone, you can possibly save the baby. Clearly I had been doing some research. My husband texted back that the abortion needed to be completed and that we couldn’t continue the pregnancy. By time my husband came home, he become annoyed by my tears and said “fine keep the baby.” Well by this time, our sweet baby was likely gone so to save the embarrassment at the ER- I just took the remaining pills… instant regret. Minutes later- I was bleeding heavily. No one prepared me for the fact that it was going to physically see the body of my 9ish week old fetus in my toilet as I was arched over in pain. Days following, the regret became so overwhelming that I stopped eating. I stopped communicating with friends. I looked at my sweet 5 month old boy and apologized profusely- “I’m so sorry that I took away your brother or sister.” Eventually I cracked and finally told my mom who didn’t believe me… the disappointment in her voice… I’ll never forget it. I was seeking support but instead was hit with more pain. She said “you absolutely could have had that baby, why did you do that?” That’s when I realized, I didn’t have a good answer. I wasn’t raped, I’m not poor, my health was good. My reasons were associated with my husband’s satisfaction… Now. Now I can’t look at my husband the same. The resentment is undeniable. I think back to those messages where I cried out “I don’t want to do this” and then his replies, “you got this,” I support you,” “it’s the best things for us.” Yeah I’m still married to him. I can’t risk losing partial custody of my son. His parents are wealthy and I know that if we got a divorce, the custody he would fight for would 100% be for his parents. I can’t risk it. So now what do I have? A lot of regret. A sour marriage. Emotional damage. My drive to keep going is my son. That’s all. Fear is something you can get past, regret sticks with you forever.
There are counselors on TV. In real life I was hurried in, strapped to the table and my baby was gone in minutes.
I met the man of my dreams at 29. He was so handsome. He was also abusive to me. I would have had his first child. He said “You can have your baby, but it won’t have a Daddy.” I became so frightened about the weight of being a lonely, single-parent for a second time; that I forgot about the joy of raising a beautiful child, from the man you love.
This is my third time writing on this page over the past two years. Since my abortion, I have been to 2 group therapy programs, a weekend retreat at Rachel’s Vineyard, had 3 personal therapists, a diagnosis of PTSD and on currently on and off of antidepressants. This is what happens when you don’t follow your heart and go against yourself and your morals and beliefs. This is what he wanted and I listened to him. He is 14 years older than me and I thought that being with an older man would be better because “he knows what he wants” in life. When we first started dating. He had dropped several hits to wanting another child. I was content with life and my two children at the time. He was accepting of this and we continued to date. Even though I had a lot of fun with him, I felt like the relationship wasn’t taking off like it should. I wanted him to be more family oriented, I wanted him to get involved with my children, and I wanted to get involved with his. But I just believed it wasn’t that kind of relationship. So, I just decided it was just for fun. When I found out I was pregnant, I initially was excited. I thought that we would come together and be a family. I was very surprised that I even found myself pregnant, because I was having surgery due to having cysts on my ovaries. I called my friend right away and asked her if I should tell him or wait. She told me I should tell him right away. So, I did. Today, I regret this choice. I feel that if I waited, maybe my baby would be here. I sent him a message right away telling him we needed to talk. When he answered, he asked “let me guess, are you pregnant?” When I told him that I was, his first response to me was “Don’t they make a pill for that? lol” To this day, it angers me. If he had an ounce of decency, he would have asked me, are you ok? We should talk in person. Or, I think we should talk about options. His response is something that hurt me deeply. From that moment, I knew this would be an uphill battle and things have never been the same since. I was very early when I found out because, like I said, I was having surgery and the bloodwork from my pre-op determined the pregnancy. Therefore, I thought that maybe I could change his mind into wanting to keep the baby. I pleaded with him about how I felt. He ignored all of it. I cried and yelled and even left him several times. Eventually, I gave into what he wanted and I have regretted it ever since. I have broken up with him more times than I can count. But I always find myself back with him. We are currently selling our homes to find one to live in together but deep down, I am still full of resentment and anger towards him. I lash out at him and remind him of what he did to me and our baby. I cannot stand what he put me through. I can’t even look at pregnant women or babies without freaking out or having a panic attack. He is on constant eggshells and I am too. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Deep down I want another child. I feel that I have lost something and I need a baby to replace the one I lost. He even told me that during my pregnancy, we could have another baby when we were living together and more settled. He lied. He does not want another baby and it kills me. We are engaged but I don’t thing I want to be. I feel obligated to stay with him. He has begged for me to stay with me every time I left him. And to be honest, I feel miserable without him, but I also feel hopeless and depressed with him. He is a constant reminder of the worst thing I have ever done. All I want is for him to want to be a family with me. I have so much love to give and such a wonderful family to share, and he doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t get it. I am so hurt and sad over this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly grieve over the baby I lost. I feel that it is my duty to keep their memory alive. I write letters to my baby all the time and keep a box of them. I framed the only sonograms I have of the baby. I took a picture of myself pregnant and I have that in the box as well. I just know that I don’t think I will ever be the same or happy again. Life is so meaningless.
I had an abortion when I was about 20 year-old. Back then I was living with my boybriend who is now my husband. I was raised roman catholic but didn’t really have a relationship with Jesus but I did know what I was doing was wrong. It felt like I was taking advantage of God because in a way I knew about God’s grace. We didn’t have much back then but we had a roof over our heads and didn’t have to wonder where we’d get our next meal. I had planned to go to nursing school and when I got pregnant I immediatly thought my life would be ruined. I felt like I was too young and didn’t have a good job to raise a child and my husband wasn’t really responsible back then. He was immature and this had me believe we weren’t ready. I also was afraid to be judged since we weren’t mariried. So I decided to get an abortion even while knowing it was wrong. I did not tell anybody I was pregnant but I wish I did. If only I had told my mother or my sister maybe I’d have changed my mind. For over 5 years I was living with guilt and shame. I gave my life to Jesus in 2020 and even after then I was still struggling and was overwhelm with the shame and couldn’t forgive myself because I had murdered my own baby. Then not too long ago, after lot of prayers and asking God to help me heal and forgive myself, He has helped me overcome my guilt and shame. He’s forgiven me and has given me a new heart free of doubt, guilt, and shame. For anybody thinking about getting an abortion, don’t do it. There are many other alternative ways and if you trust God, He’ll provide a way for you. There are so many organizations out there that can help, do not afraid to reach out. Do not listen to anybody who tells you your life would be over if you keep your baby. That baby is alive and not just a piece of tissue. And if you are someone who’ve had an abortion and are struggling with forgiving yourself, God has already paid the price for your sins. Cry out to Him, repent, and have faith in what Jesus did on the cross for you and you’ll be forgiven. He can stop all the torment, shame, fear, and guilt. He can restore and redeem you just like He has done for me.