It has been 18 years and I am still angry, sad, and guilty 

When I was in AIT in the Army I was not married yet but I had someone at home that was trying to get away from his drug addict ex but I felt like he was playing games. Prior to going into AIT he came to my bootcamp graduation ceremony only to have sex with me and then tell me that same day that he was not staying with me because he felt like he was moving too fast. He hurt me tremendously because I believed we were going to get married. He had control over me. Then, while on the bus to AIT he calls and tells me that he loves me and in tears tells me that he was sorry he broke up with me and that he still wants to be with me. I was so confused. When I got to AIT I became friends with many people. Many of us became very close. During this time I rarely had any contact with the outside world as we were not allowed to. I had a couple of phone calls with my boyfriend but that was it. In the very short time period in which I was able to speak to him, he told me he was going to ask me to marry him. In the meantime I found someone else that made me feel special. He made me feel like I was important to him. I ended up having sex with him. During this time period I was trying to figure things out. At the same time the person at home was getting a reversal so he could have my child. When I got home he asked me to marry him. I accepted it because I did not want to hurt him by saying no. We got married, had sex, and then discovered I was pregnant that week. When I got back to AIT I let the other person know that I was married and we became just friends after lots of tears. I ended up putting the numbers together for the length of time I was pregnant and discovered it was my friends baby. I called and told my husband that I was pregnant. He told me that he would pay for an abortion and that it was still my choice of what to do. I ignored all signs of Jesus at this time because I was in a bad place. I went in and got an abortion. While it was happening it felt like two souls were being ripped away from me and I began begging the person to stop aborting. He said it was too late and finished ripping my children out of me. They were twins. To this day, I am still angry about my poor choices. I am still angry with my husband for everything he did. I am still so guilty because my daughter replaced my other two children and she is a blessing. There is so much confusion in me. I feel like God hates me and I have a very difficult time moving forward. I dont know how to move on and every time I bring any of this very self-destruction time in my life, I am in tears. I cant stop crying right now as I am writing this. My hope is that my babies are in heaven and that someday I will see them. I never named them. It makes me feel guilty to think about doing that because I dont even know whether or not they were boys or girls. They were 9 weeks old when it happened. I have to live with the guilt that I killed my babies. At the time, I had ZERO clue about what abortions looked like and nor were babies accepted as babies. They were “cells”. I can tell you that they are not just cells. This is torment to me. I found out later after becoming pregnant with my baby girl what abortions looked like and what happens during an abortion. That is when it truly killed me.