I’ve never wanted children. My fiancé and I have been together for years now and have been so careful. Well he’s been extremely stressed with work here recently. Last year his mom announced she had been praying for a grand baby. Around that time he started wanting to have Intercourse in his sleep. Most of the time I was still awake and would realize he wasn’t and would wake him up. Well over the summer it happened while we were both asleep. I kinda came too but fell right back to sleep and completely forgot about it. 5 weeks later I’m so sick and am in complete denial. After being nauseous and in pain for one week I went to the gyno thinking I had a large cyst. This has been the issue in the past. There was a cyst. But also a baby. 6 weeks old. I cried. And then was angry. Left to come back for blood work but never scheduled anything. Did schedule a 3 week check tho. I went on to work and cried. I came home and couldn’t find the words to tell my fiancé. I’ve always struggled to get words out when things get tough. Finally told him the next day and told him my decision. I also all of a sudden remembered what happened a few weeks ago and that added fuel to the fire. He supported me. But the next few days I could tell he had gotten soft and I told him to not think like that. It wasn’t going to work with how sick I was and needing to work. Scheduled my appointment at a clinic. Had to wait about a week. Otw there I was unsure. Got there, was taken back explained everything about the pills and then was asked if I had any questions. I was given the option to see the ultra sound but I denied it to “stay strong”. I really thought this was my choice. It wasn’t. It was a choice deemed by our government “ok”. In the state of Georgia it should be so much more difficult. I did not receive counseling just was read a piece of paper about risks. None talked about the after affects of grief. After you get through the god awful pain of the pills at first you feel relieved. It’s over. It’s not over. The next day my body started having panic attacks. Full blown hot flashes. It’s been 3 days now and all I can think about is my baby and how I so badly wish I could go back and get the fuck out of that office. I should’ve opened up to a few more people and told them what was going on. I’ve always been very stubborn and hate feeling like I’m being manipulated so kept it between my partner and I. My decision is all I can think about right now. I don’t know if it will get better or if it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I literally want a baby so bad now but 4 days ago was disgusted with the fact that I had one growing inside of me. My body hurts. My heart hurts. I’ve tried very hard to tell myself I’m a victim of the system. It was a “choice” that should not be so normal. It is not a way out. Please find the love inside of you for that sweet baby growing inside of you. There so already an undefined relationship with the baby and your body that is not talked about the way it should be. Cherish it. It will get better no matter what you are going through just don’t give up like I did. I’d give anything to have my baby back inside of me. I’ll take the all day nausea and expanding of my uterus all day long. I hope my story will prevent someone else from going through this and save a few babies. I do feel like I had to go through this to realize my life was missing something and one day god willing my fiancé and I will try and god willing be able to have a baby again. I pray for all the women making this hard decision. I pray you choose life. I pray you choose love.