Never ending cycle of pain, deep sadness, and regret 

I was heavily coerced into having an abortion when I became pregnant with our 2nd child. My situation is beyond complicated and possibly impossible to comprehend BUT here goes nothing….. He and I both belonged to the same church and when we got pregnant with the first child it nearly destroyed us because we were basically treated like heathens for getting pregnant before marriage. My whole pregnancy was hard and it wasn’t until the baby was a few months old that things began to be somewhat normal again in our world. Fast forward a year later and there I was pregnant again and he immediately responded with “you have to get an abortion, there’s no other option”. I never wanted to get an abortion, EVER, EVER, EVER!!! I would’ve rather lived in a dark hole with my 2 babies alone than to get an abortion! He was relentlessly insistent and a manipulative jerk about it to the point that I felt like I had no choice but to go through with getting an abortion. And so I did…….. no one ever knew that I was pregnant again. I’m sure some suspected so but we never actually told anyone. Although I regretted the abortion I attempted to move on with life hoping for the best. Well, we broke up. About 3 months later he was begging me for another chance. I was so over everything that it took A LOT to convince me to give things another try after all that had transpired (abortion, so many issues with his ex girlfriend and another girl he started talking to while we weren’t together, lots of lies, and more manipulation). He told me that he was a changed man and that he was so sorry for all the wrong he had done and the pain that he caused. After a few months of watching for changed behavior and not just talk about it, I decided to give him another chance. Things were going really well for a few months, so well that we started talking about marriage and building a great life together. I felt like all the pain and suffering I had endured wasn’t for nothing! It was great…….until the girl he was messing around with while we were apart said that she was pregnant with his son! My world was shattered! He had no idea she was pregnant even though she was far enough along that she knew the sex of the baby! She told him that she wasn’t 100% sure if the child was his or not because it was between him and another guy but she was almost certain that it was his. We broke up AGAIN! I could not believe that this was happening! I was so done! Or so I thought……. I could go into greater detail but I’ll save everyone another 10 paragraphs. It was rocky over the next year, I loved him and was in love with him plus we had a baby together but I was torn. I never wanted to be just a “baby mama” or have my children by different men. No offense to anyone who is a baby mama with different babies fathers! I just didn’t want that for my life. But I also didn’t want to be a step mom or deal with “baby mama drama”. He made it clear that he didn’t want the other girl and according to her she knew that he never wanted her and that he really wanted to be with me(I saw text messages of her saying so) but she kept the baby because she thought it would make him change his mind and be with her instead. I made a decision to marry him even though I knew that he was possibly the father of this girl’s child. I married him hoping that this wasn’t his child and we could move on with our lives together. Well guess what, the baby was his! No surprise there huh? We found out a month after getting married! I was devastated and full of regret. I hated myself for being so stupid! Here we are nearly 18 years later and I’m still FULL of regret! I would’ve never married him KNOWING that the child was his! What was I thinking?!?! The crazy thing is that my husband is not the man that he was when he coerced me into an abortion, he’s not the man he was when he was being manipulative and playing mind games! He is NOW the man that I always hoped and dreamed he would be! He would literally do anything to make me happy and strives to do that daily! He regrets the abortion whole heartedly and is beyond sorry for the choices he made when he was 18 years old fresh out of high school and the years to follow (he was 21 when we got married). We have 2 more children together (3 total for us but 4 for him) and he is the definition of the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for! BUT……….. deep down inside I am broken!!! I have never gotten over the abortion! I still feel full regret and wish I would’ve never been stupid enough to let him talk me into it. I regret marrying him before finding out if the child was his or not! Now I have to live with the fact that he had a baby with someone else the same year that our baby would’ve been born. Did I mention that his son with another woman is HIS ONLY SON!!! I feel like his child replaced my child and it’s hard to continue watching him grow up and celebrate life year after year after year when my baby didn’t get a chance to. I completely understand that it’s not the child’s fault and regardless of what anyone may think I genuinely love his son. I don’t wish him any harm whatsoever! He’s a good kid, he’s a great brother, he has such a beautiful smile, and he is very thoughtful and caring. I feel like a horrible person for feeling the way that I do about his son and I wish I didn’t feel this way! I constantly pray to not feel this way! I have so much pain and my heart is truly broken! His son just celebrated his 14th birthday, Our child would’ve been 14 this year! It hurts when I hear people talk about how all of the kids are 2 years apart. I can’t help but think about how all of our kids really would’ve/should’ve been 2 years apart. It hurts when our girls say they want a baby brother and we should “try for a boy” and other family members say the same. I can’t help but think that if we would’ve kept our baby that maybe our lives would’ve turned out differently and he wouldn’t have gotten the other girl pregnant and we’d be living happily every after. I’ve even felt like if we kept our baby maybe we’d still be fine even though he had a baby with someone else! I can’t help but wonder if that baby was OUR SON! My only hope of having a son! We’ve had therapy, I’ve had therapy on my own(I was sexually abused at the age of 7 and it continued until I was 12. It led me to being a people pleaser because I felt like I had no choice but to do whatever someone else wanted me to do so that it kept the peace and I wouldn’t get anyone in trouble like my abusers told me I would if I didn’t do what was requested of me). Nothing has helped, the more time goes by the worse things become for me! With all that I’ve been through I’ve been able to get past EVERYTHING except the abortion. It is the thing that I regret most in this life! I wish I was stronger than I was to allow myself to be talked into it, I regret not telling someone I was pregnant! I feel like that alone would’ve changed everything. All I feel is pain, deep sadness, and regret! On top of that I feel like a failure for not giving my husband a son of our own! I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone!!!