Pain and emptiness

I was 24. I was already a single mom to 3 children. I was in a relationship for 6 months when I discovered I was pregnant. I was taking precautions, how could they fail!?! I told my partner about it. He expressed he was joining the military and wasn’t ready to have a child and maybe I should think of adoption. I was struggling to make ends meet with the 3 I currently had. I was working 2 full time jobs. How was I going to hide the pregnancy, entered my mind frequently, so I could give this child up? Would my other children wonder why I didn’t give them up? I couldn’t face my family, who many times threw in my face all the POS I ended up finding and ended up being fathers to my children. So March I went in to have an abortion. So many times I wanted to run out of the building, but I didn’t know how I could face my parents, aunts and uncles who would comment on me being a slut and having “bastard” children. So I went through with it. It was the most excruciating pain I had ever been through. The hate, anger, disgust that I felt toward myself almost cost me my life…all because I allowed others to judge me. Because I allowed their thoughts of me to kill my child. As I sat in the “recovery area”, a well used recliner, I read through the many stories of women before me. Next to each recliner there was a table with a notebook. Here women recovering could write their story. How many of us felt the same way! I jotted down my own story in this notebook. It took me 10 years to finally forgive myself. I met an amazing man who became my husband. We struggled for years to carry a child to term. I blamed myself. I told my husband about my past. Never once did he hold that over my head as to why we couldn’t carry a child to term. I beg of anyone who is reading these stories, contemplating abortion…there are many amazing people who want to adopt. Many who will do open adoptions so you know your child is ok and you made the right decision. You are not alone! There are people who want to help you! You are loved and always will be! Just reach out.