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I’ll never be the same

by Admin

I’ll start my saying, my pregnancy wasn’t planned. I already had two children from my previous marriage and my boyfriend had two children from previous relationships. If I was ever sure about anything in my life, it was that I was a good mother. My boys are exceptional young men. We had just bought a home together and had what I believed was a good, strong relationship. I found out I was pregnant on my oldest sons 20th birthday. I remember thinking to myself “ really? Is this real? Could this really be happening?” I was happy. I was thrilled. I couldn’t stop smiling, but I was also co corned how my boyfriend would feel. When I told him, without a pause, without a second to think he just flat out said…… I do t want it. That was it. I don’t want it. My heart shattered. He was very distant in the up coming days, barely spoke. I couldn’t wait any longer for him to finally speak to me about the pregnancy so I asked. “ What happens to us if I decide to continue the pregnancy?” Again, without a pause, “ then we won’t be together. You and your kids will have to leave.” Straight faced, no emotion. I have never been more hurt or disappointed in a single person more than in the moment. I loved this man with every piece of my fiber and he says this to me. I knew in that moment I couldn’t raise these babies on my own. Yes, I was pregnant with twin girls. I knew I couldn’t leave the house that my children called home and ask them to run down that tunnel with me. I finally told him I would go through with the abortion, that he had used my children as leverage to push me into a corner and make that decision. I sacrificed my own beliefs, what my heart wanted to keep my children that are here with a roof over their head. He used emotional deprivation in order to get what he wanted. I have hated myself since the day I walked in that clinic. I cried daily for weeks. I showered with my eyes closed because I didn’t want to see my body. I don’t sleep because I see what happened to me afterwards. I feel ashamed and guilty every single day since my abortion. He still hasn’t taken responsibility or has said once that he is sorry for the pain or heartache I feel. He actually refuses to even speak at all about the pregnancy. I will live with the choices I made for the rest of my life, with pieces missing from me. While he now breathes better and his “ burden” has been lifted, I’m alone, with my sadness trying to put my pieces back together. I’m different now. The once lighthearted smiling caring woman I once was is lost. I will never be the same.

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1 comment

Junelle July 16, 2021 - 8:31 am

Please leave that SOB. He obviously does not love you to tell you you would just have to leave. You can do anything. God made you a woman to be able to endure every hardship. You are not weak. You are strong. You are brave. And you are not alone. We have to stand together against these creeps. I literally had nowhere to go and I had to leave my abusive ex with a newborn right after a c-section. You are not alone. You just need to find out who to ask for help. If it comes down to abortion, I’m sure the Catholic Church would do whatever they could to keep you from aborting. They’re the ones who helped me when I was homeless and not Catholic at the time. Now that I have a stable life, I am Catholic. I hate how mainstream pushes a narrative that women are weak. We are not. God made us give birth for a reason. We’re stronger than men ever hoped of being.