I’ll start my saying, my pregnancy wasn’t planned. I already had two children from my previous marriage and my boyfriend had two children from previous relationships. If I was ever sure about anything in my life, it was that I was a good mother. My boys are exceptional young men. We had just bought a home together and had what I believed was a good, strong relationship. I found out I was pregnant on my oldest sons 20th birthday. I remember thinking to myself “ really? Is this real? Could this really be happening?” I was happy. I was thrilled. I couldn’t stop smiling, but I was also co corned how my boyfriend would feel. When I told him, without a pause, without a second to think he just flat out said…… I do t want it. That was it. I don’t want it. My heart shattered. He was very distant in the up coming days, barely spoke. I couldn’t wait any longer for him to finally speak to me about the pregnancy so I asked. “ What happens to us if I decide to continue the pregnancy?” Again, without a pause, “ then we won’t be together. You and your kids will have to leave.” Straight faced, no emotion. I have never been more hurt or disappointed in a single person more than in the moment. I loved this man with every piece of my fiber and he says this to me. I knew in that moment I couldn’t raise these babies on my own. Yes, I was pregnant with twin girls. I knew I couldn’t leave the house that my children called home and ask them to run down that tunnel with me. I finally told him I would go through with the abortion, that he had used my children as leverage to push me into a corner and make that decision. I sacrificed my own beliefs, what my heart wanted to keep my children that are here with a roof over their head. He used emotional deprivation in order to get what he wanted. I have hated myself since the day I walked in that clinic. I cried daily for weeks. I showered with my eyes closed because I didn’t want to see my body. I don’t sleep because I see what happened to me afterwards. I feel ashamed and guilty every single day since my abortion. He still hasn’t taken responsibility or has said once that he is sorry for the pain or heartache I feel. He actually refuses to even speak at all about the pregnancy. I will live with the choices I made for the rest of my life, with pieces missing from me. While he now breathes better and his “ burden” has been lifted, I’m alone, with my sadness trying to put my pieces back together. I’m different now. The once lighthearted smiling caring woman I once was is lost. I will never be the same.