Just a lost girl

Hi, my name is Alissa and I am 27 years old. For this, we will be going back about 14 years. I had just moved into my grandmothers house in a one stoplight kinda town. This lead to me having no parental guidance whatsoever. After joining my new high school, I started making a few friends as well as enemies. Most of the ‘friends’ I had were really into doing drugs as a pass time. So as an impressionable 14 year old, I started taking pills, drinking and smoking. I met this guy who was much older than me, he was 22. I spent most of my days at his house and he would pick me up all the time to ‘drive around’. Fast forward from August to January, i found myself at a new years party on an amish farm. There was plenty of alcohol, so I helped myself to a Mike’s hard lemonade. After my second drink, I felt VERY sick. This was very odd as I’ve drank quite a bit and never had this issue. A few days later at school, my friend brought me a pregnancy test. I sat in shock on his bathroom toilet looking at a positive pregnancy test at 14 years old. I couldnt cry, blink or breathe. I cant hardly get his reaction while I’m processing my own. The next day, I call my mother. We have a weird relationship. She says to me calmly: ” you have 3 options. Keep the baby, put it up for adoption, or abort it.”. I took the next few days to let it sink in and as I did, he seemed to switch how he felt. He said that I should leave and not talk to him. So, that’s what happened. I felt ashamed. I felt used. I felt dead. My mother took me 2 weeks later to the women’s hospital to have an abortion. I never went back to the dr for follow ups after I got the nexplanon put in a week later. I left the nexplanon in until 4 months ago….14 years I left my b.c. in because I felt I wasn’t worth getting help for my mental state. I will never get rid of the numb feeling that took over after I woke up.