I met the man of my dreams at 29. He was so handsome. He was also abusive to me. I would have had his first child. He said “You can have your baby, but it won’t have a Daddy.” I became so frightened about the weight of being a lonely, single-parent for a second time; that I forgot about the joy of raising a beautiful child, from the man you love.
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This is my third time writing on this page over the past two years. Since my abortion, I have been to 2 group therapy programs, a weekend retreat at Rachel’s Vineyard, had 3 personal therapists, a diagnosis of PTSD and on currently on and off of antidepressants. This is what happens when you don’t follow your heart and go against yourself and your morals and beliefs. This is what he wanted and I listened to him. He is 14 years older than me and I thought that being with an older man would be better because “he knows what he wants” in life. When we first started dating. He had dropped several hits to wanting another child. I was content with life and my two children at the time. He was accepting of this and we continued to date. Even though I had a lot of fun with him, I felt like the relationship wasn’t taking off like it should. I wanted him to be more family oriented, I wanted him to get involved with my children, and I wanted to get involved with his. But I just believed it wasn’t that kind of relationship. So, I just decided it was just for fun. When I found out I was pregnant, I initially was excited. I thought that we would come together and be a family. I was very surprised that I even found myself pregnant, because I was having surgery due to having cysts on my ovaries. I called my friend right away and asked her if I should tell him or wait. She told me I should tell him right away. So, I did. Today, I regret this choice. I feel that if I waited, maybe my baby would be here. I sent him a message right away telling him we needed to talk. When he answered, he asked “let me guess, are you pregnant?” When I told him that I was, his first response to me was “Don’t they make a pill for that? lol” To this day, it angers me. If he had an ounce of decency, he would have asked me, are you ok? We should talk in person. Or, I think we should talk about options. His response is something that hurt me deeply. From that moment, I knew this would be an uphill battle and things have never been the same since. I was very early when I found out because, like I said, I was having surgery and the bloodwork from my pre-op determined the pregnancy. Therefore, I thought that maybe I could change his mind into wanting to keep the baby. I pleaded with him about how I felt. He ignored all of it. I cried and yelled and even left him several times. Eventually, I gave into what he wanted and I have regretted it ever since. I have broken up with him more times than I can count. But I always find myself back with him. We are currently selling our homes to find one to live in together but deep down, I am still full of resentment and anger towards him. I lash out at him and remind him of what he did to me and our baby. I cannot stand what he put me through. I can’t even look at pregnant women or babies without freaking out or having a panic attack. He is on constant eggshells and I am too. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Deep down I want another child. I feel that I have lost something and I need a baby to replace the one I lost. He even told me that during my pregnancy, we could have another baby when we were living together and more settled. He lied. He does not want another baby and it kills me. We are engaged but I don’t thing I want to be. I feel obligated to stay with him. He has begged for me to stay with me every time I left him. And to be honest, I feel miserable without him, but I also feel hopeless and depressed with him. He is a constant reminder of the worst thing I have ever done. All I want is for him to want to be a family with me. I have so much love to give and such a wonderful family to share, and he doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t get it. I am so hurt and sad over this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly grieve over the baby I lost. I feel that it is my duty to keep their memory alive. I write letters to my baby all the time and keep a box of them. I framed the only sonograms I have of the baby. I took a picture of myself pregnant and I have that in the box as well. I just know that I don’t think I will ever be the same or happy again. Life is so meaningless.
I had an abortion when I was about 20 year-old. Back then I was living with my boybriend who is now my husband. I was raised roman catholic but didn’t really have a relationship with Jesus but I did know what I was doing was wrong. It felt like I was taking advantage of God because in a way I knew about God’s grace. We didn’t have much back then but we had a roof over our heads and didn’t have to wonder where we’d get our next meal. I had planned to go to nursing school and when I got pregnant I immediatly thought my life would be ruined. I felt like I was too young and didn’t have a good job to raise a child and my husband wasn’t really responsible back then. He was immature and this had me believe we weren’t ready. I also was afraid to be judged since we weren’t mariried. So I decided to get an abortion even while knowing it was wrong. I did not tell anybody I was pregnant but I wish I did. If only I had told my mother or my sister maybe I’d have changed my mind. For over 5 years I was living with guilt and shame. I gave my life to Jesus in 2020 and even after then I was still struggling and was overwhelm with the shame and couldn’t forgive myself because I had murdered my own baby. Then not too long ago, after lot of prayers and asking God to help me heal and forgive myself, He has helped me overcome my guilt and shame. He’s forgiven me and has given me a new heart free of doubt, guilt, and shame. For anybody thinking about getting an abortion, don’t do it. There are many other alternative ways and if you trust God, He’ll provide a way for you. There are so many organizations out there that can help, do not afraid to reach out. Do not listen to anybody who tells you your life would be over if you keep your baby. That baby is alive and not just a piece of tissue. And if you are someone who’ve had an abortion and are struggling with forgiving yourself, God has already paid the price for your sins. Cry out to Him, repent, and have faith in what Jesus did on the cross for you and you’ll be forgiven. He can stop all the torment, shame, fear, and guilt. He can restore and redeem you just like He has done for me.
I chose him over the baby. He told me he would leave me, block me on everything and never speak to me or the baby again if i didn’t get a abortion. He was so angry and scared, he said he was to young to be a dad. But me? I felt the baby growing inside me everyday, i didn’t feel alone anymore. I was so excited to be a mom. It’s like i was made to be one and i would have loved my child more than anything. I couldn’t wait to see my baby, i kept imagining the future with excitement. My family was so excited for me. But he was scared and afraid and he wanted nothing to do with the baby he said. He couldn’t even touch me anymore. I would hear him crying. All i wanted was for him to be happy again. And so I let him pressure me into getting an abortion. I let his mother pressure me into getting “rid of it” I felt so alone, so scared and the person i loved most didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. But i already loved my baby more than anything, it was something that we made together a mixture of both of us. I can imagine how beautiful the baby would have been, how happy i would have been even if i was a single mom. And so there we were at a planned parenthood clinic and i still wasn’t sure but i did it. I did it for him because that’s how much i loved him. I can out of the clinic feeling empty and with regret. He left me 2 days later when i needed him the most. He left me in pain and broken inside. I chose him over the baby but now, now i just want my baby back. If i could go back in time i never would have done it. I would have been a mom right now with a beautiful baby that would have loved me more than anyone. I think about my baby everyday and it’s been months now. The pain will never go away now i just have to learn how to live with this regret.
Over 29 years now, and i still regret having an abortion for him , soooo in love that i allowed him to manipulate me in many ways , actually believed him when he said , ( im not leaving you, im not leaving you, but if you have an abortion) I already had 2 kids prior/ not his children. mhm. Sad to say ,I had an abortion for him , so he wouldnt leave me, several months later after the abortion, ( he discreetly left me), only then his sister told me he was cheating on me all along . I still miss our baby, I still weep unexpectedly , periodically ,i still grieve unexpectantly periodically ,miss our child, wish I could get (this pregnancy/ baby back.)
I just wanted to add that yes adoption over abortion always. Living with the regret I live everyday for the last 23 years or so now it won’t bring my baby back nor would it make it right for what I did. Giving it a chance to life you could always and have the choice of being a part of your child’s life and even if you or the child doesn’t choose to it’s still the better choice to have the right of life. I have met ppl who were actually almost aborted and the mothers didn’t knew they were still pregnant and babies survived and these individuals are amazing ppl and are grateful to be alive. My husband now knew he couldn’t ask me to have another abortion when I got pregnant with his second child but told me he couldn’t do it… I told him to shove it and go to whatever…I would raise my child alone but he needed to stay out of my life and my child’s so I can have a normal and healthy life and pregnancy. He came around and asked me to move in with him after the baby was delivered he didn’t wnt to apart from our daughter. But again he did the same with our last daughter… it’s like there’s a weird pregnancy syndrome men go through idk but it’s crazy how men think they can do whatever and have fun but we women pay for everything afterwards?! Nope it’s not like that. Take charge of your body and your baby and choose what is right for you and your baby that is a part of you. It is a beautiful life growing inside you. It might be scary at first but the more time that goes by you would bond with your precious baby. It’s a bond that no human can break. That baby would love you and you would love it so much!! I think of my baby everyday, at nights I can’t sleep and with all my health issues now sometimes I feel that maybe I deserve what I get because I feel as I threw my baby away like it was trash. I hope and pray everyday that one day I would see him or her again, same as the baby I lost and my 2 sisters I lost too. Please dnt make the same mistake it’s not something you can take back. Wish you all well. Much love to you 💖🙏
Hello everyone, My heart goes to you and so is my prayers. Please please think before you do anything. Give it some time tlk to someone ask for help there are ppl who care and would help. God always sends us help where we least expect it from. I had an abortion about 23years ago and it has been eating me deep inside fur all these years even hearing ppl tell me that God has forgiven me. I feel dead and so sad deep inside snd long for my first baby. First time I was intimate with a man but got pregnant and he didn’t want the baby. Maybe he got afraid cause he was married before or he had kids from his prior marriage or he didn’t want to tied down or whatever the reason but I should of been strong and said no I m keeping our baby. I stayed with this man for 20 years and had 2 daughters after that and in our 20 years together we got finally married and now going on 23 years together and still raising our 2 daughters. To make story short I was scared of loosing him snd I had no place to bring the baby as my parents had kicked me out and I was struggling but that didn’t excuse me to what I did. I had changed 3 different clinics and no1 would do it cause I was crying and would say no but go back and forth until the last clinic who were some horrible cold heartless ppl that cared only about the money. I felt so dead inside after my baby was taking away from me and after a severe infection I got and almost died I fell into a severe depression and tried to kill my self which almost succeeded and fell into a coma. My family came around and told my BF at the time to stay away and stop playing those mind games with me but he didn’t he came around… we have had our ups and downs over the years snd have separated but have reconciled but one thing I can say even after he has apologized yo me and regrets of pushing me into getting that abortion it can’t ever but ever take that deep pain I have for my baby!!! I have had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my second daughter but even with those 2 pregnancies he was furious and afraid not sure to what he was horrible but after the babies were born they have been everything to him and there’s isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for them. I can only say I’m not sure if it was the right choice I stayed with him all these years and after what he pressured me to do only in my 20s and he is way older than me snd way more experienced but I can say please please don’t let no man or anyone push you to make a decision for you or your previous baby!!! It is a human life!! It u it s your body and your life and that child’s if you decide to keep which I hope you do. It’s better to give for adoption instead of having an abortion. I regret my decision and I can’t never go back and take it back. My younger sister with 3 kids made a choice to have an abortion which also regretted it snd the father of her kids left her for a girl he was cheating on her… she killed her self 10 years ago. Some men might feel bad or say sorry later but they are not carrying that precious life inside em. One thing I wanted to say is that for years I couldn’t conceive after the abortion and the dr who had taken care of me after the severe bleeding gave me shots snd treatments to help me. For years I asked God if He had forgiven me and I asked Him to please let me know someway… I asked maybe if He would give ne the chance again to have a child I would know He has forgiven me snd I would cherish and love my baby… I got pregnant twice my daughter was 3 when I had a miscarriage until 6/7 months I got pregnant again which drs thought I would miscarry again and try to give me pills since I was bleeding so heavily to abort I told em no I’m going to leave things in Gods hands. My oldest is now 20 years old and my youngest is 16. Both girls are my miracle babies. Both high risk pregnancies and drs are still puzzled how I conceived and how I carried full term. You see when we have an abortion we stop the natural thing thst is happening it’s not normal we screw up our bodies and we might be given the chance to have kids again and we might not. I know someone who has had sn abortion very young snd she can’t have anymore children. It’s heartbreaking as she is older now snd married and has tried everything but can’t and it’s not possible. Now I tlk to my daughters about things as I am afraid because I don’t want them to have to go through what I went through. I want my baby back and that pain, emptiness, void and sadness I have for my baby, my both sisters can’t never be filled. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Sending my love.