How can I get past the pain? 

I am a 29 year old mother of 4. I was in a 5 year long marriage and had 3 children with my then husband and since leaving him I have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and we have a 2 year old son. When my husband left state in September of 2019, he legally (yes legally) kidnapped my oldest daughter. I haven’t seen her in 3 years now. I have been financially unstable for my entire adult life just about and it has been hard to get by at times. In 2021 around June, I got very sick and almost died from pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs). I was still reeling from that experience and decided to take my health more seriously. I went to my obgyn in September of 2021 to schedule a tubal ligation and an ablation because of endometriosis and to make sure I wouldn’t risk pregnancy again. They did blood work and discovered I was pregnant. My doctor told me that there would be a lot of risks if I kept the baby and it was more likely that I wouldn’t be able to carry the baby to term. She said there were risks to mine and the baby’s lives, but that she would support me through the pregnancy if I chose to keep it. I would have likely been bed ridden for a lot of the pregnancy and I was sacred. My youngest son wasn’t even a year old yet and I couldn’t even see my oldest daughter. Money was tight and my boyfriend and I couldn’t handle the risks of keeping the baby. I had to think of my children and how much they needed me. Together, my boyfriend and I decided to go through with the abortion. I thought I could handle it knowing the situation. I was dead wrong. I remember looking at the monitor during the ultrasound at planned parenthood. They asked me so many questions. They wanted to make sure I was ready to make my decision. I was never ready, but I told them I was. I took the pill and had my friend drive me home. She didn’t even know why I was there in the first place. I didn’t want anyone to know my shameful secret.. My boyfriend had to work that night, so I spent that night alone. In pain. Crying my eyes out and begging the baby for forgiveness for being such a cruel mommy. I remember every detail so vividly. The pain, the sight of everything, the smell of it. Everything. I held my baby boy to try to remind myself that I made the decision I did for my children. For them to have a healthy mommy and for them to not have to struggle even more. I wanted my boyfriend to be there for me. I wanted to take back my decision. I was miserable. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it and he told me he thought it was a mistake. He was the first one to suggest we go through with it.. And he turned around and told me I made a mistake. He refused to talk to me about it. He wanted to act like it all never happened. I did too, but I couldn’t handle the reality. The hormone shifts, the process of what I went through, feeling so alone through it.. I started to get really depressed and spiraled into alcoholism. I resented my boyfriend for letting me go through it alone and for not letting me talk to him. I refused counseling. I had dreams every other night about not making that decision. Of being happily pregnant and ultrasounds and excitement. Of the new baby and all the love and joy that came with it. Every other night I had nightmares, reliving the night I spent alone. I spent a year getting worse and worse and wanting to disassociate as much as possible. I had friends who were there for me because I broke down and told them. I started to invest a lot of time taking care of and propagating plants. I did my best every day to still be the best mom I could be despite everything. All the while, I still felt like a monster. I believed my boyfriend hated me as much as I hated myself and I started lashing out at him for never being there. The resentment grew so strong. It came to a head when in September of this year, I blew up and physically lashed out at my boyfriend when I was drunk one night. I got arrested and I felt like it was a wake up call to get better and find help. I still haven’t been able to accept everything that happened and I still feel resentment towards my boyfriend, but I love him to death and want to get counseling together to get past it. I thought I was finally healing, but for the past 2 days I have been a wreck. My brother’s girlfriend is pregnant and I want to be happy for them, but I’m struggling to do so. The ultrasound picture just brought me right back to the last ultrasound I ever had. I have been crying nonstop, wishing I never hurt my baby. Wishing I never made that choice.. I never did get my tubal ligation or ablation. I haven’t been back to my obgyn at all. I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I plan on setting up an appointment as soon as their office opens tomorrow. I know I need to do it. I feel stronger than I did and I feel this need to prove I am stronger than I was this past year. I hope that I can find an end to the pain I feel over my decision, but right now, I don’t know that I can. I feel like I should have my sweet little baby in my arms. How can I get past this pain?