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Every day I wonder what my child would have looked like look like, where would they be now, what amazing things could they be doing. I was young and naive, being abused by an older individual. The clinic didn’t ask any questions, they didn’t ask If I was OK or if I needed help. I was dropped off there by my abuser, and I was handed right back to him after, crying, bleeding and in horrendous pain. He raped me right after to celebrate. There was no after care and I ended up having complications that made it difficult to conceive thereafter. I dropped out of school and became depressed, abused drugs and alcohol for years. I don’t think I ever fully recovered from my experience, even after years of therapy. I wish every day that someone had been there to stop and help me.

The moment i found out i was pregnant, i was scared and kind of happy at the same time .. I was so happy to share the news with my boyfriend, not knowing that he would feel differently. Well once i shared the news with him, the first thing he mentioned was something that didn’t consist of us having a happy family, him being happy, or any of that . So from that moment, i knew that things were about to get rough. From that day forward I’ve been sick everyday, depressed, sad, and lonely.. Not only that, his mom was in my ear telling me “ it’s ok, it won’t hurt that bad”, she’s had one before. Which, back then i thought it was ok but I soon realized nothing was right about that. On top of that her daughter and i were pregnant at the same time . She never mentioned an abortion to her daughter or anything . Now when i see the baby i get so in my feelings because i wish i had mine . But all i have is regrets …

I had my abortion on February 9th, 2021. When I found out I was pregnant, I had been feeling super off for the past 3 days, my breasts were killing me and a friend suggested I take a test. When I took the test, I was in my boyfriends bathroom and it was positive. I came out and I couldn’t even get the words “I’m pregnant” out of my mouth before I started crying. He held me, and he told me I would be okay. But, I needed to get an abortion because he doesn’t want it. I told him I wanted to think about it, abortion was something I never wanted to do for myself. And as soon as I’d said that, he said, “how long?” As his face went sheet white. He then continued to tell me how “you can’t even do this, you don’t have money, you don’t have a good job”. And maybe he was right, I didn’t have a great job, and I was struggling. We made an appointment at planned parenthood, and they told me they couldn’t take me because my insurance wasn’t accepted. I thought that was my way out. My mom ended up calling me, and pleading with me not to do it, that it would be the greatest mistake of my life. And she was right. But of course, my boyfriend was standing over me and I felt almost unsafe trying to leave. And what if he left me? What if I had to do this alone? They ended up giving me pills, and I miscarried at home while my boyfriend ignored me and played games. I was in the worst pain of my life. I bled for days. I was sick. I hate him for what he put me through and how he ignored me after it was all said and done. If you’re pregnant and your boyfriend tells you you can’t do it, YES YOU CAN. I still think about what my baby would look like, or how happy I might be if she was still here. (She felt like a girl to me.) Please please, don’t do anything everyone else is telling you to do. Only you know what you can and can’t do. Don’t be manipulated. You are so much stronger than you know.

I’ve thought about sharing my story for a long time because I didn’t know if anyone would understand what I have been through or listen to what I had so say, but I think it’s finally time. I had an abortion almost three years ago. I was a freshman in college and thought I met the “love of my life.” Looking back, this “man” was very mentally and emotionally abusive and so many people were telling me what was happening but I couldn’t see through it because of how he would manipulate my feelings. Made me feel that I wasn’t good enough to be with anyone else. Made me feel dependent on him by the things he would say to me. One day, we were playing basketball outside and I got this sharp pain in my side, to this day I still don’t know what it was from, I couldn’t catch my breath so he took me to the hospital. We got there and the doctor wanted to take an x ray so they had to take a pregnancy test. I honestly had no thought about being pregnant at all. The nurses come back and I could tell they had so much joy and happiness for me and then they said they couldn’t take an x ray because I was pregnant. I was so in shock my emotions went everywhere. I immediately called my mom and told her the news and we both were crying and I remember her saying that everything was okay and she would help me. I got off the phone with my mom, looked at the “man” that impregnated me and he said “you need to get an abortion.” My heart dropped, this wasn’t in my mind at all and hearing those words, immediately made me ball. Why would he say that? Why does he not love me enough to have a baby with me? I got released from the hospital and didn’t say a word. For days, he would tell me to call the clinic. Eventually I did and went through with it. There are a lot of things that have to happen in order to have an abortion, which is too long to talk about. They gave me a pill and sent me home with two more. I remember wanting to say “ I don’t want to do it anymore” but I couldn’t talk him out of it, he didn’t want this child. We went back to my apartment I took the second pill and immediately the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my life. I started bleeding everywhere I had to go to the bathroom and there was a visual object that was in the toilet afterwards. I then started puking multiple times in a row. Balling my eyes out while my boyfriend at the time sat in the other room. After I got done puking, he said he had to leave. He left me all alone to deal with this pain. The job was done so he had no need to be there anymore. I sat on my bathroom floor crying for hours, bleeding the most I have ever. I regret this decision every day of my life. I wish I could’ve been strong enough to not listen to what he wanted. I wish I could see the signs. Listen to what people were saying around me. But sadly, I can’t go back in time. I won’t ever know what my baby would’ve looked like, I think that’s what I want the most. Is to just know what he or she would’ve looked like. Please listen to your gut and don’t care about what other people want. At the end of the day, what matters is your happiness. This pain and guilt will forever be with me.

About three months ago I noticed some changes with my body. I didn’t get my period for a month but I didn’t think much of it. Then 4 weeks went by and My stomach felt very bloated so I asked my boyfriend to get a pregnancy test for me. We came back to my place, I took the test and it said that I wasn’t pregnant. Another month went by and my breasts started to hurt and feel sore, and once again My stomach felt bloated. I took another pregnancy test but I took it alone this time and it was positive. I waited several weeks before I told my boyfriend. When I finally did tell him I was surprised he wasn’t mad or angry he was actually happy. But with both of us still living with our families he understood of my fear of having a baby. Ever since I got into high school my parents and grandparents always told to not get pregnant and if I did get pregnant I would have to move out and take care of it by myself. So having that thought in the back of my head already knowing that I wouldn’t get help from my own family just added fuel to my fear. So after weeks of thinking and talking to my boyfriend I finally decided to get an abortion. We finally get to the clinic and I’m just feeling relief knowing that I wouldn’t have a baby anymore and didn’t have to deal with stress with my family. Weeks after I couldn’t get it out of my mind. After seeing how big my stomach was and how much my baby grew already I felt terrible. I hated myself still hate myself to this day. Turning my baby a whole human into blood clots and flushing him down a toilet crushed me. I can’t focus in class I stopped going to work, whenever I see a woman that’s pregnant I just want to break down. I didn’t think that I would care this much I thought I could get on with my life without a care in a world but my thoughts get the best of me. My boyfriend has been helping me anyway that he can. He always tells me that I did it for the right reasons. Even though he was happy he wanted the baby to have a life a childhood that he deserved without any struggles but with our situation he didn’t want our baby having to go through any hardships. But I just can’t help thinking about him, him being in my stomach and feeling him come out of me…. It’s just so hard and I beat myself up everyday about it. I feel broken inside I feel like a bad person I just hate myself and I want him back…I want him back so bad.