All Testimonials

I lived with abuse of every kind growing up. I moved away and got pregnant on purpose to try and keep a man who really never loved me. He found out I was pregnant and didn’t care. I had nowhere to go, I moved back to my Mother’s house. She convinced me to get an abortion. I was not in a right frame of mind. I have lived with this guilt and fear all my life. This happened to me when I was in my early 20’s. My mother was a drug addict and alcoholic. Our co-dependant story is too long to tell here. I divorced myself from her years ago and she passed away 3 years ago. I have researched and researched different ways. I on purpose did not have any children for fear I would repeat the abuse. I was diagnosed with cancer and had a hysterectomy. Every fall, it happened in August, I think of my unborn child. I feel like I am going to go to hell or wherever you believe. I dont even know if the pregnancy would have been viable. I don’t believe in organized religion, but I did pray for forgiveness but I heard it doesn’t even count unless you believe in Jesus. I am so afraid of what will happen when I die. My brain finally broke and I am now on medication for mental illness from years of abuse. I hate everything about me because of doing this, much less everything else. How do I find peace with this? Please help, I am at the breaking point. Any advice helps me. I am a big fan of Spiriutality, seems the closest fit for me. Help me please. Am I going to hell?.

I was only 19 years old in 1989. my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant January 24th and in early February we decided we were too young. Truth be told I wanted you but he didn’t. My dad always said I couldn’t come home pregnant. I struggled with the decision got on and off the table twice. It was so painful but the real pain was yet to come. I buried that pain in drugs and alcohol years later until I met my second husband. A year after marrying, we had your brother. When I heard his first heartbeat at 7 weeks I cried with happiness and then sadness. I was told there was no heartbeat around that time. I now knew I was lied to. You would’ve been born in September 1989 age 31. I didn’t know your gender but felt you ere a girl. I still cry all these years later. I feel unworthy of my son. I wish you were here. There is a hole in my heart. I was only able to have one child due to health concerns but I really have two children you will always be my child. I hope to reunite with you. I hope you don’t hate me. I hate me and will never forgive myself.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, gave up a life I loved for his career that moved us across the country. Away from all my support and when we got here his commitment to me began to wane. I found out I was pregnant while he was away, for 9 days I had the blessing of bonding with my baby, telling him I’d protect him. Then the father returned and I told him. He wasn’t unkind but was adamant that we didn’t have the resources for another child. That our current children would suffer (he has 2 and I have 2), that he didn’t want to go through the baby stages again. That it’s my body but I would take away from my kids future if I went forward. I begged him to support me keeping, he withdrew his affection and made constant comments when my kids were acting up that I wanted to add more chaos. I went to the appointment thinking I’d go to appease him and walk out strong in my conviction that I’d have my baby. The doctor said she didn’t like my uncertainty but hearing we had four kids, didn’t try and talk me out of it. I texted him he wasn’t allowed with me, but he stood by it being the best thing for our family. I was a robot defeated by fear when I took the pill down, I wanted to vomit it up immediately. I left there broken, I went home and the next day bled alone as he kept away. My kids confused by my tears and pain. I wanted to join my baby in death. I wanted nothing more than to take back my actions. The more I bled the more I sobbed. It’s been 2 weeks, every bathroom trip reminds me of my regret and self hatred. I see how I could’ve made it work with or without him. Most of all I feel dead inside, I’ve focused on my living children but it feels artificial. I told people who knew I was pregnant that I miscarried and every comforting word I hear makes me want to scream. I don’t deserve comfort, I don’t feel like I deserve to feel joy again, I just want my baby back. My mom told me if I went through with it I’d regret it and yet I’d never regret my baby. I wish I had listened to her and not him. This pain feels like it’ll never pass.

I was 24 when I made the terrible decision to go through with abortion. One good friend encouraged me because she was a young single mother and warned me of the struggles. My other good friend encouraged me to keep my baby, but she was supporting her own by stripping and was not doing right by her own child. The father of my baby was a drug dealer who had 4 children, which I only learned later. He said he “didn’t know what he could do for me” so I got scared and went through with it. My parents did not approve of him at all. He was murdered over drugs a month or so later. When he died, people told me “see, you did the right thing”; however, I never felt it was right. I moved on after some grieving and worked with children for the next 20 plus years, which seemed to distract me from the pain. I never forgot what I did and prayed for my baby, but I was doing OK. I did not consider having a baby until later in life but fertility issues prevented that. I fell into a deep pit of depression and anxiety which took me right back to my past. I cry everyday and mourn over my lost baby. I feel selfish to have even wanted another baby because God blessed me with a gift, but I did not accept, so how dare I consider becoming a Mom. In a way, I think my desire to have a baby later with fail was for a reason..to process my guilt and grief that I stuffed away for so many years. I seek spiritual counsel and pray, but I do not think abortion is something a woman can fully get over. This past 2years have been the most darkest of my life. From thoughts of suicide to not even bringing myself to come to work. I work with kids and it has been my passion, but has become a trigger for me. I cringe when I see Mother’s and their children because that should have been me. I think God is punishing me from time time, and this is why I am childless. I would tell anyone who is considering abortion to save their baby and also themselves from a life of grief, guilt and regret. Abortion can destroy a womans soul. It is only by the grace of God that I am still here and can function day to day. I also credit antidepressants for that, which I never thought I would resort to them. I believe I am in a soul tie with the deceased Father because there is a soul of a baby somewhere connecting us, and his memory has become so strong after so many years of moving on. I wish I were smarter back then and my heart goes out to young women who are scared and feel this is the best option. 🙏💙

I was 20 years old had only been with this guy for 7 months and ended up pregnant. I was always someone who grew up in church so you Know abortion wasn’t even an option. I was excited I was happy I called my mom and my dad and surprisingly they were on my side. I went to call my boyfriend to let him know the news and he was everything but happy. He convinced me that I would ruin his life and mine if I went through with it. That he would leave me because he would be so stressed. He Told me to call my parents and tell them I miscarried. Stupid. If only I knew then what I know now. My life has never been the same. I went through my abortion alone and all together pretty much just ended up alone. It tortures me. But I know that I will never put any man before my kids ever again. I will always put my future babies first. But I will be honest, I’m not okay. This doesn’t get better. You just live life knowing what could have been. And It sucks.

I remember I was 13 when my sister who was 15 told me she’d had an abortion. I wasn’t sure what to think or do. I knew my sister was in a relationship in secret with a much older man. Shortly after this, I told my mom that my dad had abused me and that I thought things had happened to my sister also. My moms nightmare began. They had recently separated and we learned that my sister had been the primary victim. It was painful but we did see justice with my father join to prison for 15 years. I was at an event with my mom over 10 years later and the topic of abortion came up. I told my mom about my sister and what she’d told me so long ago. My mom was able to talk with her about it. My sister said she has a lot of regrets. I also learned that my grandmother was forced my her mother to have a back alley abortion when she was 16 before she married my grandfather. It would have been their first child. My grandmama I know didn’t want it and regretted that decision. It was hard for her to get pregnant again but 6 years later they did. I also learned that my uncles first serious girlfriend had an abortion. My uncle begged her not to. He was devastated and it ruined their relationship. My uncle and mother are the only 2 survivors of 5 siblings. The two after them both had a rare disease and they died in their early teens. My uncle never did have any kids which is very sad to me. My Grandmas first, uncles first and sisters first children weren’t given the chance at life. I’ve wondered who they would have been and how our family may have been different.